HELP! Worried that boyfriend/fiance is Bisexual and in Denial
My boyfriend (who I will refer to as John) of a year, who was planning to propose to me this month until I discovered something disturbing, is a very loving man who I was planning to spend the rest of my life with. He is romantic, affectionate, passionate, loving, grounded, kind and we have an incredible sex life.
Three nights ago I had a very disturbing dream out of nowhere that a friend who had passed away told me that there was something in his past that I needed to know about, and that I needed to dig to find out. It was very vivid and real. We are very open with each other, so he often leaves his ******** page open and logged in on the computer. I had NEVER snooped or felt compelled to, but this dream disturbed me to such a degree that I decided to on a whim.
I found nothing remotely out of line since we have been together, and I read some very sweet things that John has said about me to his friends and family via ******** messages. However, I found an email from three years ago that he wrote to a guy, and it was VERY explicitly sexual. It was basically asking the guy if he could keep a secret and not to tell anybody, but that he wanted to have sex with him "so bad". The guy (who is gay) responded as though he assumed it was a joke or that someone had hacked into my John's ******** and written that. I saw several other short and simple messages that the guy wrote to back to John, but they went ignored except for one where John simply asked the guy to call him. I then noticed that John had deleted him from his ******** friends.
When I confronted my boyfriend with my findings, he was obviously terrified that I was going to leave him and told me that he was going through a dark time in his life where he had just had his heart broken by an ex girlfriend and was drinking heavily, and that he had written it only to find it the following day and be freaked out by it. After some prying, he admitted that he met up with the guy one time and they kissed, but that he immediately knew it was not something he wanted and told the guy he was not gay or even bi. However, he said he did write to the guy one other time following that night they met up and kissed, but only to ignore the guy for good. He keeps telling me that he is 100% straight and has no desire to be with another man. This happened two full years before we met, but it is haunting me because I fear that he is suppressing something that could potentially come out years down the road. He keeps telling me it never will, and that he is positive he only has desire and attraction for women. He was sexually molested by an older boy in his neighborhood when he was 6 years old, and he says he believes that is where the thought stemmed from, but that he has since dealt with it. By the way, I have many gay friends and have no problem with it, but just do not want to marry a man who is not entirely heterosexual.
My girlfriends are very shocked by this and like my boyfriend very much, but are telling me I am crazy to stay with him, and that I would only be risking major heartache down the road.
One of my best friends is a gay guy, and he is telling me to not be with him because he has seen too many instances where married and "straight" men have tried to pick him up, etc.
I'm so distraught and confused despite my boyfriend's attempt to reassure me.
Any insight/advice would be immensely appreciated. I feel so shattered inside, as though the wind has been taken from my sails. It's horrible.