| | What's wrong with me?
This all started as a diet. I was tired of getting made fun of for being overweight (I weighed close to 190lbs. when I was 15, I know I was fat) so I decided to lose weight. I used to eat all 3 meals, plus I grazed throughout the day, so I decided to decrease my food intake. To make a long story short, I now practically live off of Starbucks coffee. In a day, I will maybe have a coffee, and a bit of dinner; if I have any more, I'll feel guilty.
Since my weight loss (I just turned 17 and now weigh 135lbs.), I've had tonnes of people accuse me of having an eating disorder; but I never thought it to be a possibility until recently. First, my cousin asked me if I was bulimic; then, we got a research project in Psychology on bulimia. Upon reading the information we were given, I immediately drew parallels. But, when I researched the topic further at home, I noticed that my "symptoms" don't all fall into the bulimia category; that there are some differences. Some of my symptoms fit into the anorexia category. That's why I need help; I don't know what I have, or if I even have anything. I always thought that most of my behaviour was normal.. but apparently not.
By the way, I'm 5'7 and my BMI is 21.1, well in the normal means.
My symptoms are:
- I use laxatives frequently (though I don't use them immediately after I eat.. I wait until my parents either go out, or fall asleep)
- I self-harm, but I'm not suicidal (most of the time when I feel really disgusted with myself)
- I see things in myself that others do not (I think I look awful all the time even when my friends keep telling me I look fine.. I don't know if it's just me, or they're just being nice)
- I don't have that much of a period any more
- I'm practically obsessed with the size of my clothes.. I strive for smaller all of the time
- My self-esteem is almost non-existent (and always has been)
- I'm having trouble concentrating
- Recently I've been getting these red dots surrounding my eyes (I have no idea what they are)
But within all of my "symptoms" there are some conflicts with the characteristics of bulimia (or at least I think they are).. Such as: I don't eat a lot of calories. I'm pretty calorie-conscious. I'm really scared of gaining my weight back. I don't like eating when there's other people there (like in the lunch room or wherever) My mood for the day depends on the number displayed on the scale that morning (I know that as the day progresses the number on the scale increases so I've restricted myself to only weighing in the morning) and I have no energy.
There are many more "symptoms" that I could list, but I feel as though this post is already extremely long (which I apologize for) so I listed the ones I think are the most important. Do you think I have an eating disorder? Or am I just a stupid kid? I've always just thought I was depressed until now. So yeah; please share your thoughts.