Repressed memories of childhood sexual abuse surfacing
For a very long time I have suffered with feelings of emptiness, loneliness, self-hatred etc which have pushed me to experiment with eating disorders, I cut myself for a short period, abused alcohol but stopped eventually because I knew it was bad for me. I've never fully understood why I felt so depressed and anxious at times and my therapist seemed not to fully understand what was the cause; there were things such as bullying at school and an emotionally abusive/sometimes verbally abusive father but none of these things were really bad enough to make me feel so awful.
My therapist said I seemed well enough to leave therapy after a year and 7 months later bad feelings started to come back, seemingly, for no reason. But 2 weeks ago I got drunk round my friends house celebrating some as level exam results and I got back some memories of sexual abuse occurring when I was about 3 years old which I talked to a trusted friend about at the party. Basically, I remembered being molested by my 12/13 ish year old neighbour who was like a brother to me and I adored him, I wondered if I had just imagined it but there are to many memories not connected to him that hint I may have been abused -
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I think it still affects me to this day (e.g the fact I'm 17 and have never had my first kiss, think all boyfriends would only ever abuse me, rape me, cheat on me, think I'm repulsive etc).
Since the moment I got back some of the memories of sexual abuse I feel so angry, sad, like there is a huge void in my life, I can't concentrate at school now because of remembering, now seeing couples hold hands and kiss or even just seeing couples kills me inside, or people just talking about relationships hurts, I struggle to get out of bed in the morning, feel abnormal and utterly depressed at times. I feel so lost and alone, I don't know anyone who's been through this.
The worst thing for me though, is the fact my therapist says that what that boy did to me was awful and monsterous but when I talk about the feelings it has caused me to feel now she shrugs them off!!! Like I should just get over it, believe I wish I could but I can't, it's like she's sort of ignoring it because she doesn't want to deal with it with me.
I don't have any questions I just want to hear about how other people have dealt with this, how you got thorough it if you have, I just feel so confused and mixed up right now.