sorrowfulmother

It was the first month of my marriage last year and i got pregnant. I was under lots of work pressure and i didnt know if i was ready for my baby due to which i couldnt eat properly etc. I took for granted what God gave me with so much love. I didnt take care of him properly. I was totally confused in my head. The best part of my life I spent as the saddest part. This highly affected the growth of my baby and his growth started reducing. But my husband had really longed for the baby. My doctor was worried and I and my husband also started worrying about it. Now that i had started to feel his tiny movements i longed i should have taken care of him properly from the beginning itself. But it was all too late. My baby was born as premature in the 7th month as underweight and passed away after 12 days.
After seeing him I really longed to have him. I didnt cry the day he died. But after that it started becoming a void in my life. I started blaming myself for his death and couldnt get out of this. I am not able to forgive myself. There was not a day i didnt think of him and cried. When i sit simply tears come rolling down my eyes. I was sad to hear that we can have our next baby only after a year and i have to wait till i can get a baby. But this time i am sure not to make a mistake again and i will conceive only if i feel that i am 200% ready for the baby. Even when i write this i feel i am the culprit and some of you reading this might feel angry towards me. I dont know how to get out of this. The guilt is eating me up everyday. Can anybody help?

For those of you who are trying to get pregnant here is my little advice for you. Please dont get pregnant if you are not 100% ready for the baby. Otherwise you will regret whole your life. Do whatever else you want but not become pregnant if you are not ready.