Lovelace

So the other day, I woke up to find my peripheral vision blurred over and warped like someone pinched it in. This isn't the only problem I've been having, but this was the last straw. My parents took me to the ER. They gave me a CT scan - no pituitary tumor like they were worried about, thankfully. But now I have to go back for an MRI, and if that doesn't help them find the cause, I have to see a neurologist. And, to be honest, right now I'm terrified. I feel like someone's snatched my life out of my hands, and there's nothing I can do about it, and I'm so scared to find out what's wrong next. It's always one thing after another. What if my vision disappears completely? What if something's really wrong? I feel completely and utterly helpless, like there's nothing I can do.

I know there are people who are worse off than me right now, way worse off. But when I try to look at somebody and half of their face is just missing, and the doctors don't even know what's wrong or if it'll get better or if I'm going to be okay - it's hard for me to not panic. Everyone keeps telling me to stay calm, but I can't help myself... I just feel so lost... I'm so tired of being pushed from doctor to doctor and leaving every time without a diagnosis... I'm almost more afraid that they won't find anything wrong than that they will. At least if they did, I wouldn't be left in the dark to just sit and wonder what's going to happen next. First I'm so tired I can barely stand, then my head is in constant pain, then I start seeing sparkles everywhere and forgetting things, and now, my peripheral vision is screwed up. I don't even want to know what's next on the list.

I guess right now I just need some comfort from people who've been in my position before... How do you cope with the mystery, waiting, being left in the dark with no answers, knowing that things will probably just keep getting worse? How do you keep yourself calm and hold yourself together when you're afraid? And how do you accept what's happening to you?