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Old 04-18-2012, 08:52 AM   #5
jmcw jmcw is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: California
Posts: 14
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Re: HELP! Worried that boyfriend/fiance is Bisexual and in Denial

I don't believe you should marry John at least not any time soon. To marry a person, you should be able to accept who they are and that they have a past. It sounds to me that he had some feelings/thoughts, checked them out and made a choice based on when he was most comfortable with. Kind of like trying a new menu item and deciding they don't like the way the flavors mingle.
In my late teens and early 20's I found myself attracted to some women. I explored it to the extent I was comfortable with and decided it wasn't for me. Sure, I still find many women attractive, but that doesn't mean I feel the need to act upon that attraction any more. It's been 10 years since I kissed a girl and haven't had it effect my relationship at all. And for the record, my husband would not be comfortable with me kissing someone of either sex. He knows about my past experiences and we have reached an agreement. So just because he has had those feelings in the past, doesn't mean it has to effect your future.
Provided ones attractions are legal, I don't see why it should shape your feelings towards your partner. You are not unreasonable in deciding that you will not marry a man who acts upon any attractions towards another person. We all need to set our own standards for ourselves.
I also have to mention something, it bothered me when I read that you snooped and then shared this secret of his with so many people. I understand that it's something you have been struggling with but you betrayed his trust on many levels. He didn't come to you and openly share this item, perhaps because he felt it wasn't an issue, or perhaps he wasn't comfortable bringing it to the table. He didn't go to great lengths to hide it, but that's because he trusted you. He felt he hadn't given you reason to snoop. We all have a few things we keep closely guarded. Instead of going to him with your feelings after your dream, you snooped. Then you shared what you found with others, most likely without his consent. Now he will most likely feel uncomfortable when he is confronted with those people.
So no imo, you two shouldn't get married any time soon. You and most likely the two of you have too much to work on.

Set your standards for yourself, be clear about them, let him do the same. But stop punishing him for something that happened in his past and stop making it public knowledge in your social circle. After all, a juicy secret is more likely to be spread.