Am I Doing the Right Thing?
I am 33 and female. I grew up with a mentally ill/narcissistic mother and an older sister. I live in Texas, far from the rest of my family, who live in California. I am a fairly new Christian and have been in recovery from codependency for about 2 years now. I grew up in a very dysfunctional family and in turn was in a very codependent marriage for nearly 10 years with an addict.
After my divorce, I started my recovery and my relationship with God. Part of that process involved working on my relationships with my mother and my sister. For the first time ever, I started to enforce boundaries and not behave in a codependent manner with my mother. We didn't speak for a few months, which was very difficult, but we came to an understand which allowed us to have a relationship that is healthier. I don't really feel like we can be close because she does not understand my boundaries, but I enforce them and she seems to put up with that.
Not long after that, my sister and I had a falling out. My sister has always been very codependent with my mother and places herself in the martyr role in the family. I've always felt like she feels I owe her for everything she has done and that I have a debt in her eyes that can never be repaid. Her and I got into an argument about this nearly a year ago. We didn't speak for several months. I reached out to her to try to work it out and she responding by asking what I wanted and expected out of our relationship. I responded, telling her that I felt we needed to have an adult relationship free from emotional debts, blame, and judgement. She never responded. Now, my mother is telling me that I need to reach out to mysister because she is going through a difficult time and I need to "be the bigger person." I refuse because I am not willing to return to the relationship in the state that it was. I maintain that we need to redefine our relationship and be honest with each other before we can move on.
Am I being stubborn, or am I resisting emotional blackmail? I am having a hard time sorting this out. I would like to have a healthyrelationship with my sister, but I would rather have no relationship than continue in a unhealthy manner. Please let me know what you think. Thank you.