Join Date: Apr 2012
| | my mum committed suicide. why?
so my mum was a strong, brave, happy woman and when i think about it i just can't figure out how she, of all people, got herself to do it. she had very traditional views; she never went to work and cared so much for her children and she was the type of person who would never do something which may harm or hurt her children, which is why this whole things strikes me so bad. i keep telling myself that something must have been seriously wrong with her, which led her to killing herself, maybe she was depressed or something, but see, my mum didn't believe in depression. she just gets on with things and wouldn't kill herself over small things.
the afternoon/evening before she died (i was 10), she had a massive row with my uncle (her brother). to be honest i don't remember it much, but even before that they used to row a lot. that night it was like walking on ice. obviously when my mum was angry, none of would dare to do something silly and it was one of those days, but it wasn't only anger, from what i remember she was also upset.
the following day everything was as usual. she saw him off to work, saw us off to school. it's odd, but that day, me and my sisters decided to go to the library after school. when we got home it was about half past 5 and only my little brother(aged 2) was at home. we asked him where mum was and he said he didn't know. all we knew that she picked him after school. my parents' bedroom was locked (we always lock master bedrooms when no one's at home), and we'd assumed that she went out. shortly afterwards my dad came home from work and he was downstairs, talking to my brother and my sisters and i were upstairs.
i remember i was just walking into the bathroom, (it was right next to the bedroom) and i was about to shut the door when i heard my dad cried out loud god's name from the bedroom which he had unlocked. i found out later that my little brother had given it to him, even though he told us he didn't have it (another slightly odd thing). i remember at that moment, i was like "he's crazy" but then at the same time i was kinda scared. my dad hardly ever screamed like that. now thinking back, he actually sounded truly hurt. my sisters ran to my dad, so i did the same. when i went in... well my mum was hanging off the fan. her face was plastered in my mind for the past few years but now it's starting to fade...but i remember...the shawl she had used to hang had really suffocated her. her tongue was sticking out of her mouth and her eyes were wide open. it was as though something had cut her midst doing something and she was shocked herself. my dad soon got her off and i just remember her being on the bed. her body was stiff. my sisters were all crying, but me, i couldn't cry. i don't know what is wrong with me, but i remember forcing myself to cry and now i can't believe i did that. my mum had just died and i wasn't even that sad about it! how could i not be?
so then my older sister called 999 and then there were paramedics around and for some reason i clearly remember them coming downstairs (we weren't allowed in the bedroom) and saying, "she passed away". i guess i knew that anyway but maybe i just had some hope in me. soon there were relatives around and all sorts. everyone was trying to comfort us but i wasn't even sad. i enjoyed that people always came around and i doubt i ever shed a tear. that night also i remember when the paramedics allowed people to go see my mum a few people at a time, my dad told me to go upstairs. but you know what? i didn't. i did not want to, it's not because i was sad or anything i just didn't care i guess, and now i regret it. so much.
the next day i woke up quietly as people were staying over, got into my uniform and was literally about to leave to go school when my uncle stopped me. i remember playing ball with my cousin, playing skipping with my other cousins, hanging out in my front garden, going to corner shops and stuff with my relatives who had come from abroad.
and then came the funeral. even on that day i hardly cared. i remember my mum's sisters and parents crying as well as all these other relatives who i didn't even know. i remember seeing my mum. and i hate to say this, but i remember thinking she looked horrible. i'm such a horrible, ungrateful child. she looked all shrivelled up but at the same time bloated (we had to postpone the funeral by a week or something because my grandparents took long to come from oversees). and that was the last time i ever saw my mum.
i used to sometimes dream that my mum hadn't actually died; that in fact she just got a divorce and that i do get to see her again. but then i woke up and was like "oh". i hated telling people that she was dead, i'd even lie and cover, so people don't pity me. and i know that that is pathetic, but i still do it. now i'm 16 and i've learned to admit that she's dead, but i can't say that she committed suicide. when people ask me how she died i just say she was ill and when they ask what do i mean ill, i say i don't know.
i've learned to move on and get over it when i feel really sad, but there's just that one question bugging me which always stops me from putting my mind to rest. why did she do it? surely it wasn't the fight with my uncle because they'd rowed tons of times before that and she'd never resorted to suicide. did she not think about my dad? about my sisters and brother, who was two when she died? about me? did she really not care about us? did she just think that my dad would take care of us and that's it, easy?
anyway, since i hadn't told anyone my mum committed suicide, and quite frankly i don't think it'd make a difference if i do, i just thought i'd write it all down. i justed wanted a little rant, and sorry that this is kinda long, but i've got it all down now.