What was I thinking?? What do I do now?
I am writing here because I have no one to talk to about this, and have been driving my family crazy with my emotional behavior since my Lasik surgery.
A little background - had thought about Lasik for years, but never had the nerve to do it. Been in glasses/contacts for about 30 years. Had asked my optometrist years ago if he'd do it - he said no (and I really trust him). Anyone else I asked about it was pleased with their results and recommended doing it. Against my better judgement, booked my consult and surgery dates. Even thought about going to see my eye doctor prior to these visits, but was worried he'd talk me out of it. Big mistake. I figured, I already have most of the side effects - dry eyes, halos at night - how could it be any worse? Day of surgery, I was so nervous and couldn't stop shaking I almost walked out before it was my turn. I'm still kicking myself about this.
I am now 2 weeks post surgery and am having a hard time accepting the decision I made to do this. My results are mixed - started out -5.5 and -6 with mild astigmatism; now have +20/60 in my dominant eye (which is driving me crazy) and 20/40 in other eye. Dominant eye has "residual astigmatism", which means more than before and letters are blurred. So it's hard to read a newpaper, book, etc, even with reading glasses unless I close that eye. I know I'm still early in the process and they'll talk of an enhancement months down the road, but I'm not sure I can go through it again.
My biggest problem with all this is that I didn't trust my gut feeling and this is now something I'll have to live with the rest of my life. What I've now researched online scares me to death. I purposely didn't do much research before or it would have scared me. I am someone who researches everything possible online, but didn't do this because I knew reading about the actual surgery would scare me. And to think that I'll have the rest of my life to freak out about this and worry about everything that could go wrong after the surgery.
It is a constant battle for me during the day to not be depressed or start crying (understand that I was never an overly emotional person before this). Trying to figure out how to accept what I have done and look forward and not back. I'm think I'm going to go see a psychologist next week, as I know I'm dealing with PTSD and depression plus who knows what else. I wake up every night with anxiety attacks, racing heart, sweating, etc. This is no way to be. I keep hoping I'll wake up and find out that this has all been a very bad dream.
**The icing on the cake for me is seeing my daughter in her glasses every morning and knowing I'd give just about anything to go back in time and put my glasses/contacts on again. I just tell her I love her and to not hate her glasses - it could be worse. And to think my worst problem was that my contacts really bugged me during allergy season!
So my question for those who have struggled through anything similar - how do you move on and accept what you have willingly done to yourself? How do you forgive yourself? I know that is important, but not sure how to get there. And how do you keep from sliding into despair every time you see someone in glasses? I have a long life ahead of me and I just can't continue to torment myself like this every day.
Thanks for any insight you may be able to provide.