Thread: Giving Up?
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Old 05-10-2012, 01:16 PM   #1
numbcy numbcy is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Simpsonville, SC
Posts: 140
numbcy HB User
Unhappy Giving Up?

Hi All,

Haven't posted in a while; been too weak to be able to do so. Am still completely bedridden and am so weak I can barely type, concentrate, have not been able to brush teeth in months; teeth are now rotting out; pain in gums, unable to wash self, too weak, smell terrible;

I am literally rotting away in my own home, too sick to be able to take care of self. I tired and tried and tried and tried and tried and tried and tried. I am literally way too weak to barely make it down my hallway to the bathroom, much less make it to a doctor's appointment or be proactive anymore. I want to be proactive; I still want to get better; to find a cure to this illness; to find an answer ... and many "well-intentioned" family members keep giving their "advice", but I honestly don't think they know what they're talking about ... if it were that easy to get well from, I would've done it a long time ago ... I didn't choose to be rotting away in my own home; they judge me and think I'm making the wrong decisions; that I could "get up" and "do things" ... they don't know ... they are quick to judge, but reluctant to help ... they (my family) are literally allowing me to die a slow, torturous death, because they do not (and refuse to, and probably never will) understand this illness.

It all started many years ago, when my immune system started to break down, because of emotional stress from being raped when I was 13 years old; I believe this started the process of the physical breakdown in my body (though I also had much family turmoil and "discipline" and abuse, psychologically and physically, when I was younger than 13, but the rape seemed to be the big turning point in the breakdown of my body). I developed allergies to all sorts of things I was never allergic to before ... then I developed excruciating intestinal/digestive pains (after becoming an alcoholic at 16 years old), continued with severe emotional and psychological distress ... at 22 years old, I developed this excruciating, disabling neurological symptoms whenever I ate food (or any kind of digestion); it caused my head to feel as if it were on a very bad drug trip; pressure and swimming and like thick molasses, electric shocks in my body, in another world; a hellish "state of mind"; severe, unbearable neurological symptoms, that no doctor could explain; only when I ate solid food/tried to "digest" anything ...

ended up eventually going onto liquid diet, which caused even more of a breakdown in my body, because I now have not been getting adequate nutrition for years, and am now weaker than I have ever been, with barely the "stamina" to be able to stay alive; I struggle to survive every day ... only the bare necessities of "staying alive"; I am too weak to speak, to live, to brush my teeth, to walk, to wash, to barely write ... I am so weak ... I have been on liquid diet now (consisting of vegetable juice and a meal replacement protein powder) for almost 11 months ... I have tried eating solid food again, to try and gain the strength my body needs to live, but every time I try to eat, the neurological symptoms become so strong, that I am literally disabled and unable to move or speak or see, on top of already being so weak I can barely move ... I don't know how to do this on my own ...

FYI: I stopped eating because OF the neurological symptoms that food was/is causing ... the symptoms are not from "changes in body due to lack of food" ... I have heard that theory before, however the neurological symptoms started far before I stopped eating ... I stopped eating because OF the neurological symptoms; they are not a symptom of not eating ... so ... now, here I am ... to weak to move ... teeth rotting out of mouth, no strength, starving to death, too weak to move, struggling to barely stay alive, not sure of what to do, "well-intentioned" "advice" coming from judgmental family members, have tried so much, want to keep trying, but unsure of what to do, and don't have the strength to try anything new ... so ... what do I do???

Last edited by Administrator; 05-08-2014 at 01:45 PM.

 
The following user gives a hug of support to numbcy:
EagleRiverDee (05-10-2012)