Recovered from Anorexia & Bulimia but need advice
Hello! My name is Colleen.
I've been a recovered anorexic/bulimic for several years. However, I still struggle with knowing who I am and feeling good about myself. I work out regularly and try to boost my confidence with as much positive self-talk as possible but I feel like there is part of me that won't stop being negative.
Let me tell you a little bit about my story,
When I was 8 years old, I gained 30 pounds in a year. I ended up weighing around 200 pounds by the 6th grade. All my friends were thin, but I didn't think I was capable of being a "normal" size.
My anorexia began without me knowing. I started riding my bike a lot and eating less, because that is how I thought "normal" people stayed skinny. Soon my one meal a day became some grapes or a granola bar a day. But I still perceived this as "normal eating" because I was losing weight. Good right? Well I dropped around 85 pounds in 6 months my 8th grade year. I was about 5'7" and at my lowest weight I was 115pounds. I thought I was being healthy, but didn't realize that I was in a competition with the scale that I used every day.
When the teachers started calling my house telling my mom I was sick, I then started to realize that maybe I had a problem.
After a the start of high school I had gained 30 pounds back, felt awful about myself, and began throwing up after binge eating.
Therapy was no help and they only wanted to put me in an inpatient facility, which I declined. Eventually me and my mother worked together to help solve the eating issues.
Now I am around 5'8", almost 21 years old and weigh153-165 pounds (it fluctuates).
Sorry for the long post, but I feel like in order to get good advice I needed to explain a bit why I don't feel good about myself. I was wondering if anyone else has had a yoyo from being overweight to overly skinny, to around normal, and if you have any advice on how to be happy with the way I am?
It affects my current relationship, because I am always negative and anxious about what people think or how I look. I also apologize constantly for things that aren't my fault. I feel like my anxiety/previous body issues are to blame.
any advice or similar experiences?