| | Resurfacing Memories - Molested by Father.
I need some help.
I was molested by my father at the age of 9. My parents got a divorce when I was around 7, and he got visitation rights with my brother and me. We had to stay with him at his house on weekends. I always looked forward to going to his house. I looked up to him and I always wanted to make him proud and happy. What daughter doesn't?
After a while though, things started getting weird. He had a separate room that had his computer in it, so it was easy for him to distract my brother with computer games and big headphones in that room while he and I were in the other room. I remember some of what happened, but not a lot. I remember once, he said my skin was dry and said he would put lotion on me, but he made me lie down on the floor and take my shirt off. The whole situation was odd. Another instance, he made me sit on the kitchen counter and kiss him, several times. He always wanted me to sit in his lap. This was when he would put his hand down my pants and say incredibly inappropriate things to me that I didn't understand at the time, but I understand now. This took place over several weekends. That's about as much detail as I can handle typing out.
There is a lot more that I don't remember. I have small flashes of different things, but when any memory comes up I have to try as hard as I can to push it out of my head. After a few of these horrible encounters, I knew that I had to tell someone, so I told my mom one weekend after we got home from his house. She remained calm about it and contacted whoever she needed to. The case went to court and he was found guilty was put on probation.
I was put through 5 years of counseling, from age 10 to 15. The only reason we stopped going was because my mom decided 5 years was an excessive amount of time to see a counselor, and they determined I was "okay" enough to stop going. I was alright after that...for a while.
My dad is still in my life, as much as I wish he wasn't. He talks to my mom on the phone every day. I guess they're still friends. Not sure, and I don't really want to know. He has attended my high school and college graduation, taken us out to dinner for special occasions, given me birthday money, etc. But in all honesty, I wish he would just disappear so I wouldn't have to see him anymore. My mom even made me go over to his house with her once last year. I didn't know we were going, she just drove over there one day while I was with her in the car. I couldn't get out of it, and it really freaked me out having to sit on the same couch and see the same room that all those things happened in when I was younger.
The reason I am posting on here is because I'm having problems keeping the memories from popping up randomly. It's really become a problem recently. Sometimes I break down and cry if I'm alone in my room. It's the worst when I'm trying to go to sleep. I'm in a serious relationship right now with a Marine, and I want him to know why sometimes I am uncomfortable and why I have such a negative attitude toward my father. I have never been able to tell any of my previous boyfriends what happened.
What's holding me back, aside from being uncomfortable pulling the words out of my head and having to hear myself explain to him what happened, is the fact that I don't want him to have the burden of knowing. I don't want his mind to be corrupted with thoughts of my bad experiences, and I don't want him to think of me any differently. I also don't want this to mess up our sex life. I'm pretty comfortable around him sexually, but I'm worried that, in telling him about it, I might cause those horrible thoughts to run through his head while we're in bed together.
So...now that I got all of that out, does anyone have any advice or words of wisdom that might help me? I would appreciate anything, really. I have absolutely NO ONE to talk to about this, which is why I have turned to a forum.