Weirdest thing about my depression
Like most all of you, I've had good times and awful times through the years -- and my depression is directly related to what's going on in my life - for example, if I feel loved and supported (by sig. other and family and most importantly friends), I usually don't even need medication, but when I'm alone (like when I moved from the East to the Midwest to take a job at mid-life), the feelings of being alone in the universe pervade my thoughts. It's so difficult to make friends (really good friends) in our culture, and right now I don't have a nuclear family in a land (minnesota) that's mainly populated by them. But I know depression can hit people who have all of the things I long for, I know it can take chemical hold.
The weirdest thing about my depression (which is here with a vengeance right now), is my feelings of being dislocated in space and time (I don't mean like vertigo, or being dizzy or anything like that); what I mean is more like wherever I would go in the world, it wouldn't feel like home. Like, I'm existing in the wrong place and time, but the reality is, there is not right placle and time and it's my brain chemstry that's causing the disturbance.
I'm thinking also that the meds (I'm on 15 mg of citalopram, but am switching this week to 10 mg of Lexapro - what's the diff?) have done their fair share of damage, bcs. when I tried going off of them recently I had paralyzing fears and feelings of displacement. I hate the depression and I hate the medications too (I'm prob. a good candidate for a placebo).
Years ago I took Paxil which miraculously made me feel okay but that came with extreme insomnia so I had to stop.
I'm thinking that if I found a sig. other, felt loved, and could find some bossom buddies, I wouldn't need the drugs -
If you're on Lexapro, are there any side effects? On Citalopram, after two years I had constant flu-like symptoms and they went away for the ten days I was off of them. I'm hoping Lexapro is better.
I am ridiculously sensitive to meds, so have to stay on low doses.