Junior Member (female)
Join Date: Feb 2011
He Lied to Me!
This is gonna be a long one, guys:
I've been dating my (ex)boyfriend for over 2 years now and we've been living together for over 6 months (same guy I posted about over a year ago). Since the beginning of the relationship, I was head over heels in love. Everything was nice. We obviously had a few arguments here and there, nothing too trivial. The only times any argument blew up was over his flirting and his relationship with other women.
Now, I won't lie. I've made mistakes and I've kissed a guy before. We were a few months into our relationship and I was drunk and kissed someone, but was so guilty that I told him 5 minutes after it happened and I've done anything I can since then to show him that he can trust me.
A year into our relationship, my ex went back to school to become an accountant. During his time at school, he made a new friend named, Anita. I never met her, but I always wanted to if just to put my mind at ease. I was respectful of their friendship; I never pressured him into ending their friendship and felt it was healthy that he had a female friend outside of his and my circle of friends. However, in the back of my mind, I always had this strange feeling that it was more than just friendship. He assured me it was nothing more, that was I was crazy, irrational, and overreacting so I shut up about it, embarrassed about my jealousy. I had had other boyfriends cheat on me before, but I was really working toward not comparing him to those guys.
Things were going fine, until I stupidly came across his unlocked cellular phone. I knew it was wrong, but I looked at it anyway. I found a text asking Anita to come over for lunch, which I was irritated about because a) I don't know her and b) I didn't want some random woman coming back to my apartment without my consent or knowledge. So, I confronted him about it. I told him that it wasn't cool with me and, if he did want her to come to lunch, that I wanted to meet her first just so that I could put a face to a name. Otherwise, I told him, she was just some random girl who was texting my boyfriend. He agreed and told me that he felt sorry for her: she was a 27-year-old, single mother of a 9-year-old and she had this illness where she wasn't able to grow any hair and wore a wig. He played on my sympathy card and I didn't bring it up much after that. However, I did tell him that I really wished that he didn't feel like he had to hide things/her from me. He agreed that he wouldn't
A few weeks later, I openly asked him if he wanted Anita to come join us for lunch one day and he said that he didn't even speak to her anymore. In fact, he whipped out his phone and showed it to me. There were no messages from her or him and I was content with knowing that. Regardless, I didn't want him to feel as though I was limiting him, so I said it was ok for their friendship to continue, as long as - again - he didn't hide things from me. He agreed, but again told me he didn't really care to talk to her anyway.
A month later, I asked him if he and Anita ever spoke anymore. He swore up and down that he didn't even talk to Anita anymore. So, I just brushed it off. Sometimes friendships pass - I know that too well.
Since April, we've been going pretty strong, especially after I came back from a vacation. Our sex life was back on track, we weren't arguing about anything big, I didn't feel as though his flirting was overbearing, and he showered me with so much attention. I was happy and he seemed exceptionally happy with us. We had planned all these trips together this Summer. His parents were going to be in town, our parents were going to meet, my birthday was coming up, he was going to help me plan it...etc etc.
Last Thursday, I finally logged into my facebook again in a long time. I'm a teacher, so I had some down time while the kids were working on an independent project. It was at this time that I realized that I had a pending message that I didn't even notice before. It was from someone I didn't know, who wasn't even on my FB list.
This person told me there was something about my EX that I needed to know. Turns out, he and Anita have regular smoke breaks during work (they work two blocks away from each other). Apparently, they kissed last June, a "make out" or so a screen-capped picture of Anita's text message to her friend said. In the screen caps that I received, she joked about how my ex apparently joked to her about having "booty calls" at our apartment at lunch, because that was when I wasn't there. I was shocked, hurt, and ....well....you know how it is.
I called him out on it and he flat out denied it. He said that the person messaging me was Anita's ex who is crazy and likes to stir things up, which I totally agree with because after a few messages, the guy started harassing me. But, that's beside the point. Half of this was going down on text, as I was still in the classroom. He "SWORE ON HIS LIFE THAT [HE WASN'T] CHEATING ON ME"; he "LOVED ME, WHY WOULD HE WANT TO KISS ANYONE ELSE?"; HE "DIDN'T WANT TO BE WITH ANYONE ELSE BUT [ME]!" It wasn't until I basically told him that I had a picture of text messages to prove it that he finally admitted it.
He LIED! ABOUT EVERYTHING! ABOUT NOT MESSAGING HER, ABOUT NOT KISSING HER, ABOUT NOT JOKING ABOUT SEX WITH HER! HE LIED TO MY FACE!
I had never taken a day off work before. I've always been 100% dedicated to my job and my students, but I was in such hysterics that I literally had to leave THAT MOMENT! I had to quickly run from teacher to teacher to see who could cover my last 3 classes and I went home.
It's been a whirlwind of emotions since then. I got the confirmation for 4 different parties that they never slept together, but that doesn't help the situation. I spoke to her and she said that she would have never slept with him, that she was going through a break up and wasn't thinking, that she wasn't that kind of girl. I thanked her for talking to me, but assured her that I would never think back on her fondly or with any respect. That what she did and what he did were so disrespectful beyond belief and that I can only hope that they learn their lessons before they find whomever they end up, even if it means each other.
Once I told him that I spoke to her and what she said, he was really upset, saying she was lying to make herself feel better. And that he was never going to speak to her again - I have no solace in that. His promises mean nothing to me now. And, what if she DID say yes?
It's been so hard, especially finding this out 6 days before my 28th birthday. This is the first time he's doing anything remotely close to cheating, but his flirting has escalated to the point where I can no longer trust him. He hasn't made any attempt to even get me back, but keeps apologizing and I am sick of it. He's staying at the apartment until the end of the month so he can find a new place, but I am so brokenhearted. Part of me wants him back and I feel like I'm going crazy. I love him, but I can't be with him anymore and that kills me.
I don't want him to be the man I will always love, even if he hurt me so badly.
Can anyone just talk to me? I feel like I'm insane.
Last edited by sakura84; 07-20-2012 at 02:46 PM.