Re: Trying to understand
Welcome to the boards. Glad you are reaching out for help from others. That is a crucial first step in dealing with your guilt and grief. As Eddie said, your stepDad, suffering with cancer, had his fate predetermined unfortunately. You didn't mention what your Mom died from, but in no way can you blame yourself for someone else's death. The trauma of losing 2 loved ones so close in time is extreme, and it is not surprising you are still suffering as a result. The first step to getting better is to get some counselling from a professional who deals with grief counselling. Grief counsellors are sometimes available through churches and other community organizations, as well as through the usual mental health system. Your insurance may even pay for this service as part of your mental health coverage. I would check locally for "grief counsellors" or google that with your location or zip code. Also, you can check your local newspaper for community events, support groups, meet-up groups that focus on grief work. Many venues are available to people going through delayed grief and loss of loved ones. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross's book, Death and Dying, is a good read about the 5 stages of grief, and it may help give you some background about the normal process and where you may be stuck. Good luck. You can get past this, but the guilt may be keeping you stuck and that needs to be worked through early and thoroughly. This may take several months to a couple of years, so please be patient with yourself.