| | Older Now and Very Confused
I am now a 23 year year old woman and lately I have be reliving an event that happened when I was 16 and I can't seem to wrap my mind around what really happened to me. Was I raped? Was it my fault? Was there something I should have done differently? These thoughts are driving me crazy...
When I was 16 (a few months away from being 17) I had a day off from school and on the same day, my father scheduled for a electrical company to come to our house and take care of some problems we were having with our heater. Two men came, and older white man and a middle-aged black man. After my dad had left, the black man came into my room (which is not where the heater was) and started asking me questions: "Are you married" "Where's your boyfriend" I responded that I was only 16 so of course I wasn't married and that I didn't have a boyfriend. I felt very uncomfortable and was thankful when the white man called for his help. I went upstairs to my family's computer room, away from the man.
He soon showed up in the computer room (even further away from where the heater was) and started asking me the same questions. I should point out now that up until this moment I was a virgin and had never even had my first kiss. He started kissing me and I didn't resist. Then he began taking my clothes off and still I didn't resist. He then closed the door of the computer room, took off his clothes (which obvously the first time I'd seen a male's penis) and began having sex with me. Again, I didn't resist. But I also wasn't engaging. I just laid there. Didn't say a word. Didn't move. When he was done, we both got dressed, he kissed me again and then went downstairs to do his job.
I ended up crying for the next couple days and finally told a teacher I was very close to what had happened. Of course she informed my parents, who informed the police and I had to go to the hospital to be checked out by doctors and questioned by the police. I told everyone (my teacher, parents, the police, etc) that I wasn't raped because I didn't say no and because I didn't push him away. I have gone through my entire young adult life believing that. That even though I didn't want it to happen, it was my fault because I didn't make that known. It came out in the trial that the man who did this to me was 36 and had a previous statutory rape charge on his record. Still, I blamed myself.
Then, just a couple weeks ago, I woke up and I started to wonder if what I've been feeling all these years was wrong. I wondered if I had been raped. Or at least taken advantage of. I look at 16 yr olds now and I can't imagine being sexually attracted to one, let alone engaing in a sexual activity with one. They are children. This is getting pretty long, so I'll cut to the chase. Was I raped? And if not, then what happened to me? I know it was something terrible, but I can't deal with it until I can put some sort of label on it. Please help me. I'm so confused.