Why do I feel so empty, bored, it doesn't seem normal?
It's starting to baffle me now and I've really no idea what is going on in my head so I shall simply explain the situation that has lead up to this vain self analysis. And warning, it's long.
Very late into last year (2011) I was completely cut off from most social contact and it was becoming very boring, I was sick of doing absolutely nothing and so I decided it would be fun to pretend to have "Obsessive Compulsive Disorder". I started researching the illness and had found myself fascinated by psychology and mental illnesses/disorders. I of course was preparing for my eventual return to school and Year 11 at the age of 16, I had to take the research of how OCD works and make sure that I could still function comfortably whilst displaying the illness. I had therefore chosen certain obsessions and compulsions to use and started practicing on my family before I returned to school. The thing is though that I couldn't stick to the one kind of OCD and I kept changing back and forth between different types whenever I would get bored with the type I was using. This of course made my illness seem unreliable and I had to improvise well in order to make sure no one was the wiser.
By the time I had gotten back to school though I had begun to show my illness to a group of my friends that I had chosen to fool, a problem emerged though and a friend of mine decided to talk about how they had beaten their drug addiction they had developed after overcoming Depression. The problem here is that it was a complete lie and it was taking the spotlight off me to the point that I would be unable to fool anyone because no one would notice, it didn't matter though as I had become bored of OCD and decided to imitate Schizophrenia instead, the problem here was that a teacher had mentioned how her brother was Schizophrenic and my imitating it would make me seem like an attention seeker. I continued anyway and was indeed successful and I had lured in four people to play my game. Three of them were following the Schizophrenic story whilst another was following the Bipolar hallucination story, the latter is the same attention seeker from before. The attention seeker than became irritating and would not stop bringing everything back to how special they were and so I began to get angry with him and eventual pushed him away so that he couldn't interfere. The remaining three had two very gullible girls and a more adept but thankfully distant girl. The distant girl had constantly told me that I was in love with one of the gullible girls and I started to believe her and all of a sudden I felt like I was in love, I asked this girl out and the school holidays had begun. I kept growing more and more bored with my Schizophrenic story and so kept changing the hallucinations in order to keep it interesting but I was still furious that my school had intervened before the holidays and had sent me to take up therapy.
The girl I had asked out was unsure of what to say, she was scared to grow attached, and so I started to unknowingly use my fake illness as a way of guilting her which eventually worked. Of course though I had become bored with Schizophrenia and when I was told that I had apparent Dissociation I started to play on the idea that I could have multiple personalities, I kept changing back and forth from psychosis and dissociation until it all just became pointlessly boring and so I confessed. But I covered up my confession by saying I had a Detachment Disorder and had said that my mother was abusive and psychopathic. I continued with this and kept everyone close by constantly threatening to commit suicide but I eventually became bored and confessed again. My girlfriend became so hurt that she left me and I felt devastated but later realised that I wasn't really hurt and I don't even think I loved her, I just told myself I did until I believed my lies, I was attracted to her but that's it. I had made another friend who was now helping my apparent Depression with my remaining gullible friend. I convinced her to send me to a Psychiatric Ward and than I convinced her to do it again, I found it fun tricking the doctors and did so until I became bored. I was infuriated when they accused me of lying and forcefully discharged me. I didn't like the fact that they had accused me as I was having a weak moment.
I was starting to notice that life was so boring and that I needed something extreme. I started to notice that many of my feelings were almost fake, or at least they seem so. I've noticed that I feel empty, bored and unmotivated. I am sorry for the very long story but I hope you can bring some clarity onto what it is that is going on with me. Thank you very much in advance.
Last edited by Administrator; 09-25-2012 at 02:06 PM.