| | Physical Appearance - So Shallow yet so Profound
Physical Appearance seems like a shallow topic on the surface,
but as I am getting older (and am supposed to be getting wiser),
I find I am becoming convinced that I am quite a shallow woman.
It is becoming clear to me that all these years of feeling like no one understands me/ cares for me could be due to me myself not really understanding and caring for others.
When I see someone, I will decide in my head that they are so-and-so type of person and not someone who can be an actual friend to me or be "an asset" I should have in my life (how terrible to think of people in this way).
Yet I have been so sad all these years when I think that others are judging me in the same way.
My judgement is now apparently permanently-wired because I feel it without having to think about it. I will consciously try to override it, but I always feel it in my heart. I really do despise myself for having so many negative thoughts about others in my head, as a result I try to be super nice to people. It is an attempt to just get along. Yet in my judgemental and lonely heart, I actually continue to harbor negative thoughts about everyday people who don't deserve this.
(Secretly, I think the negative thoughts are coming from self-hate - because I know I am not a likeable person and I know people don't really like me).
What can I do? I want to love people with my heart, but I seem to be able to do it only in theory and only through my head.