Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Thinking of leaving my husband... feeling sick, not sure what to do
My husband and I have only been married for 2 years and I am beginning to feel like it's just not going to work out.
We have two small children under the age of four. I know that alot of our issues are the result of having a baby (8 months) and that babies put a huge strain on marriages. I know that a lot of people can work through that stuff...I don't know if I can.
I have become the typical frustrated mother/wife stereotype: I am exhausted because I do all of the housework (cooking, cleaning, laundry, groceries, etc) and I also do the bulk of the child care (bathing, clothing, feeding, dropping off/picking up at school, daycare, etc). I am usually up with the baby several times in the night, and then the next day have to muddle through my job (I work full time at a new job that I am still trying to learn, but I feel like a moron most days because I can barely follow what's happening around me), housework and child care on only a few hours of sleep.
I get so irritated with my husband for not helping out, or doing as much as I do. He gets mad back and then tells me that he's willing to help out, I just have to tell him what to do...if I'm exhausted or upset, it's my fault for not asking for his help. I would ask more, but by the time I'm in the thick of diaper changes, crying baby, temper tantrums and barf, he is out in the garage working on some imaginary project, obsessively watering/weeding the lawn, taking a smoke break, sleeping, whatever. I don't have the energy to chase him down and argue with him. I just do what needs to be done and the resentment grows. When I get so exhausted that I completely break down physically and emotionally, he will do a night shift with the kids so that I can get a full 6 or 7 hours. It is usually just enough to let me function at a basic level, and so that he can say he's "helped". To him, this makes him a hero and invalidates any argument that I can make about him not helping out ("oh right, because I NEVER do anything around here, right??" is his usual response). He tells me that I'm lucky that he doesn't treat me as badly as his friends treat their wives (his friends are pretty bad).
The worst part is, my husband isn't exactly a terrible guy. He's a good provider, doesn't gamble our life savings or cheat on me or hit me. He is educated, funny, and really does care about me. My family thinks he walks on water. But they don't see him when he drinks...he can be an ugly drunk.
We fight constantly. I know that I pick fights with him out of exhaustion and frustration...he usually shouts over me until I back down, or he will walk away and hide/drink in the garage until he feels like coming out.
I hate the person that I have become since I married him. I am a shrill, angry, passive aggressive, nagging b!tch who never lets him have any fun. I hate myself, the way I look, act and feel. I feel like I am dead inside.
I feel awful most days. I am anxious, tense, tired, sad. I get migraines, knots in my neck, shoulders and back. I try to eat right and excercise, but my appetite sucks, and I keep losing weight. My hair is falling out. Sometimes I am sick to my stomach. I cry all the time. I have no feelings of joy, I feel like I am just going through the motions of living.
He really does love me and the girls...but I don't think I love him anymore.
The worst part is that our oldest daughter sees us fight all the time and I know that this damages her. I grew up in a house with two parents who hated each other and screamed at each other all the time...it was awful. I know that when I am mad at my husband, I lose my temper with my oldest daughter...something my mom did to me on a daily basis and one of the main reasons why I resent her to this day. I don't want that for my daughter.
I want to be a good, strong, happy mom for my girls....I don't know if I can be that person and also be in this marriage. I just don't know what would be worse for them...having parents who are divorced, or growing up with a miserable mother, and witnessing all of the screaming and fighting. I'm pretty sure that I would be able to do a decent job of supporting them on my own, financially. I think I would be a happier person without my husband. Is that a good enough reason to leave??? Is that fair to the kids??? They deserve to have a normal family with a daddy who is around....why can't I be the person that they need me to be, AND give them the family that they need?
I know that counselling is probably something that I/we should do...thing is, I just don't think I love him anymore...and all the counselling in the world can't change that. I have been to counselling in the past for other issues (childhood abuse) and I know how helpful it can be, but I also know how draining and time consuming it is...I just can't even imagine taking that on right now when I am just barely treading water as it is.
Last edited by Administrator; 11-27-2012 at 01:17 PM.