fear of not being dead but of dying...
i don't really care about the point at which i have died, but i really obsess about the process. will it come quickly? will it drag out? i think the worst part of it all is that i feel that i can't STOP it. i mean when it's your time to go it's your time to go right? the thought of me laying there losing control, ultimate control over my life freaks me the hell right out!
i am a TOTAL MAJOR hypochondriac and have been since i was a child. my mother was also one. i read medical books before dr. suess. i watched my mom get sick over and over, complaining and complaining... now my legacy is being passed down on my daughter, who will cry if i even mention her having a cold.. she is so fearful of illness (she is 15). she has moved in with her father because i stress her out too much.
i go to the doctor and hospital 5 or 6 times in a month at times. my fear right now is heart attacks. the thing that scares me so much about them is i am overweight, i smoke, i'm 42, i have a family history and high cholesterol and c reactive protein. i go in to the ER and i'm hooked up to an ECG in minutes... and its not because i'm demanding it, it's because they are expecting it when they look at me.
i have a therapist but she kinda wants to concentrate on my childhood issues and doesn't seem to help me deal with the anxiety and health worries.
i am wondering if anyone else has these control issues regarding the death process. if that's what freaks you out the most. im trying to figure it out on my own... is it OCD? control freak problems? fear of the unknown? i've had two near death experiences and i 'accepted' that i was going to die, but lived afterall, (car accident and almost dying during childbirth with my daughter). is it PTSD?
i need some help and don't even know where to begin. i have stopped showering, cleaning my house, i don't change my clothes for days. my stomach is full of ulcers (stress ones not the h. pylori ones) and all i do is obsess about every f***ing pain i have in my body, read symptoms on the net and play video games to take my mind off my obsessions. i'm falling apart physically from inactivity on top of everything else. i'm scared to leave the house.