I really think I am done this time...
I think I just broke up with my bf for real this time. I know it is way overdue, but I am so weak and so afraid of being alone...however, I might as well have been alone the past few months because he has been the worlds worst boyfriend. All he does is play video games. Like, I am not exaggerating. When he isn't at work, eating, or watching his team play, he is playing video games. We have done nothing together for so long. All we do together is eat, go grocery shopping and sleep at night. Many of you have been following my threads and know that even before this, things weren't great, but we at least had things we enjoyed doing together... Not anymore. I have to ask him to spend time with me and that is not what I want. I want someone to actually want to be with me, maybe even make plans to spend time with me. Imagine that? The straw that broke the camel's back was when I asked him if he wanted to have sex tonight. It has been at least two weeks since we last had sex (one week Aunt Flo was visiting), so I thought he would WANT to have sex. No, I had to pry his fingers off his keyboard and when I asked him if he wanted to have sex, he said, "Not really, not at the moment". I could have thrown his computer out the window and smacked him across the face with his keyboard. What normal, living-breathing adult male would not want to have sex with his girlfriend after two weeks??! I used to feel like crap whenever he would deny my advances, but now I know it is not me. It is 100% him. I asked him if he was cheating (I have suspected it since that was what my ex did when he pulled way from me) or if he is not attracted to me anymore. He always said, "No". Who knows.
I think I have finally gotten to the point where I am tired of being disappointed. All I am is disappointed, every day, every hour, every minute. He does not fulfill me at all. There is zero intimacy, zero compassion, zero understanding and zero connection. We merely connect on a seriously superficial level. He never texts me to see how I am doing, he rarely touches me or kisses me. He shows zero excitement to see me. He never says I look nice. Yet, I do so much for him. It makes me feel incredibly pathetic for doing this to myself for so long.
Enough is enough. I seriously would rather be alone every day and every night for a LONG time than feel alone in this hell. It is constant up and down emotions. He kisses me goodnight and I feel OK, he fails to say goodbye or kiss me in the morning and I feel like crap all day. Then, I decide to stop caring that he pays no attention to me and do my own thing and I am happy for a time. Then, I begin to crave the attention and when I don't get it, I feel awful again. Then, he does one tiny thing to make me want to hold on just a little bit longer.
I don't care if he has another girl waiting in the wings. I don't care if he has to sleep in his car to be out of my life. I don't care if I never see his stupid face again. I am seriously ready to move into my parents' basement and buy a vibrator, because I DONE.