Re: Eminating Evil
It is nice to hear about all the steps you have taken to build up a better life for yourself. Attending a self-confidence / or assertiveness class must have been a big step. When I was younger and thought life could only get better, I had little plans to make things better and took some risky steps. Unfortunately, some of them misfired and left me feeling quite vulnerable. I am quite happy to see that these things worked out well for you. I am glad, for example that you hold your head up high and ignore those who ignore you. As long as it is helping you, and has you headed in a positive direction, I am all for it.
I am not quite the sweetest most naive person, though my natural self has always been very caring and wanting to do good. When I see someone in an obvious position of power (adult vs. child) use that power to bring someone down, I get very angry and my hesitation with communicating seems fall by the wayside. The problem with that kind of communication is that it is driven by anger and so it is hard to take seriously. I can communicate fine in writing because I can edit myself.
I would feel uncomfortable having a pet because I would have to leave them alone in the house (what a surprise, I live alone) and I don't think that is fair to the animal. The way I see it, they could be happier with a happier person, and shouldn't get dragged into keeping me company - that's not what god put them on this earth to do - wait all day for me to come home, to give them a little attention. As you can imagine, I am also afraid I would make a terrible parent (as you once felt about yourself) and the desire to have a family is quite painful because I am afraid I would pass on my unhappiness to my child and husband.
In real life, as caring as you are, you would find me hard to like. When someone talks to me, I mentioned before that I have a hard time listening. This is because I am in the grips of anxiety when a person begins talking to me. My mind is saying ridiculous thoughts like: they are going to get a good look at your face and walk away thinking you are a man; or I bet they are embarrassed to be seen talking to you right now; or they are talking to you out of necessity or pity and wish it was over soon. These things are indeed paranoia, but they are based on the few real life events that I exaggeratedly use to determine the rest of my life. I have a hard time listening to what someone is actually saying and am instead always thinking about what negative thoughts they MAY BE thinking.
As a child, I was very strong-willed (as you were). I was a little too mature and grown-up for my own age. It was to the point where I analyzed too much and always thought about the "why" behind things. If my mom was mean, it was not unusal for me to come up with a far-flung reason that perhaps I was the result of my dad having had an affair and perhaps my mom was forced to raise me. This kind of thinking is not something you would expect from a little kid, but this is how I was and this was off-putting to my mom. 30 years later, I have become a freakish analyzer - this was an attempt to make myself immune to pain, but it is now getting in the way of everyday interactions. I analyze everything in a warped manner. I don't want to hurt your feelings but the thought has crossed my mind besides being a missionary, that perhaps you are a writer looking for a good mentally-ill person to take inspiration from...you are getting another glimpse of how I twist people's motives because I can't believe that anyone would really care for me. I am sorry. I hope you have some sane, healthy people in your life to counter balance this kind of nonsense.
That being said ...I have medical insurance and on your advice, I think I will make an appointment with my doctor and talk to her about what is bothering me. I am deathly afraid of taking medication (that's a good sign maybe - afraid of medication I think I just need someone to talk to. Perhaps she can direct me to a support group for people with depression and body-image issues.
It was a about two years ago that I went to see her with the intention of mentioning my dark thoughts to her and then I chickened out when she spoke to me like I was a normal, everyday person - I did not want her to know that I needed help. I instead asked her to perscribe me birth control pills (which I thought would help feminize me a bit) but did not tell her the real reason why.
Thanks friend for listening. I have been talking for too long - I hope you are able to follow along my crazy line of reasoning.
Last edited by Administrator; 10-04-2012 at 08:41 PM.