I haven't wanted sex for 9+ months and FiancÚ is getting frustrated. Help?
I feel like I'm being an awful fiancÚ because I do not want sex, and have no wanted sex for almost 9 months. We've been together for over 3 years and I love him 100% as much as I always have and while I never really enjoyed sex but before I was happy to try and take part in this. Note I didn't enjoy it because he's bad, I just don't enjoy sex very much.
I know there's a few factors in this; I've been depressed for over a year now, not that I admitted I needed help until a month or so ago but I'm trying and I am getting better. I got help because he was getting frustrated with me, he acknowledged I was depressed but I wouldn't for the longest time. I'm making the effort to make myself better in that respect to try and help us and myself.
I lost a baby back in January and I had to go through that alone. I had told no one apart from him and then he went on to talk about it to his mother when I was pregnant because he needed someone to talk to and advise him of the future we were supposed to have. Before I could get the courage to tell my family we lost the baby at around 11-12 weeks. He's never been very good at comforting me, but I truly did have to cope with those feelings alone. Even now when I try to talk about it, I get more frustrated because I talk and I don't get anything back for him just the same "I have nothing else to add about what you've said, I don't know what you want me to say."
I think that's when I started to get frustrated emotionally and pull away from him, I couldn't talk without getting upset because half the time it's like bashing my head against an unsympathetic wall. I'm terrified I'll get pregnant and lose the baby again if we have sex, I'm only just about coping with the feelings that it was my fault and I failed now and it was so long ago I don't think I could handle it again.
I get annoyed because half the time I don't feel the emotion affection I need, and I can't make love to someone who doesn't show me he loves me - at least if he does, after all this time it's still not in a way I understand. He keeps getting angry because it has been so long and yet I tell him that I'm scared, I tell him that I don't feel emotionally save enough to have sex and when I try it never ends well because I don't enjoy it.
I still let him touch me, which he does almost every time we're alone and if I'm honest I get frustrated because it's really not that hard to kiss my cheek and hold me instead of groping me under my top or trying to pull my trousers down. I've even limited the amount of kisses because kissing him intimately turns him on and it hurts me to keep saying I'm not ready. I also still give him oral, because I feel bad that I can't satisfy him, but I don't like him trying to touch me and I've never liked oral my whole sexual life so that's never changed.
He wants to pleasure me, he's not a selfish lover and he gets upset because he can't do that for me even though I've told him again and again I really don't want it so there's nothing for him to feel bad over.
I feel like I've ranted a lot here, yet there's barely enough to cover what I'm asking. Is it normal, these feelings I have? Am I in the wrong for not just giving him sex? I don't know what I can do to try and make it more clear that I need to feel emotionally safe than telling him over and over again, getting upset because it feels like he doesn't respect he can't touch my body if I don't want him to and getting mad I won't have sex with him.
Is there any advice any one can give? I don't feel like the sexual side of our relationship is important, but without sex I don't think he can see it as a relationship for much longer and that is important to me because I understand we're two different people who need to understand what we each find important in a relationship and provide it.
Last edited by Mansey; 10-04-2012 at 03:57 PM.