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Old 10-07-2012, 02:42 AM   #3
kanded kanded is offline
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Re: I haven't wanted sex for 9+ months and FiancÚ is getting frustrated. Help?

Hi Mansey:
First of all, I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your baby. That takes a lot of healing to overcome I'm sure. It is normal what you are going through. All these feelings, you are grieving the loss of a person, and there is nothing wrong with that. That is part of you being a loving mother, and you were a loving mom to your baby even if he/she lived only a short time. Life will go on, harsh as that sounds, but that doesn't mean you will ever forget your baby.
Men may not always understand all of this, because they have never carried a baby in their tummies and don't always have those feelings till their baby is resting in their arms. (No offense to men out there)I know with my husband that was the case, especially with our first child. He seemed a little insensitive at times and I just wanted to drop him off a steep cliff somewhere. But as women, we have all these maternal feelings towards our babies even before they come out.
Men can also have a hard time sharing their feelings, because they're supposed to be the tough ones who take care of everything. Your man can't take care of this for you and that makes him feel bad most likely. He probably wants to fix this and fix you, but he can't. He doesn't have the words to console you either. Sometimes men need to be told very directly what it is we want from them. Like you say to him: I want you to tell me everything will be all right. I want you to tell me that you feel sad too. Some men are not very good at this. You might need to find another woman to talk to, like your mom or a close friend.
Sex is waayy important. Its a man's way of giving of themselves and is an emotional outlet for them. Sex is probably his way of wanting to reassure you. Without sex, men feel that nothing is right in their world. Some women can take it or leave it. Women rely more on words and feelings than the sexual act as a general rule for their emotional outlet. But if you were depressed even before the baby, then maybe something else is going on: with you, or your relationship with him. And having another baby may not fix what is going on with you. You might need to do some in-depth soul searching so that you can feel happy again. And you shouldn't feel guilty about feeling happy once again. That is every human being's right. You need to fix yourself first before you can fix your relationship. If you really love him, and he really loves you, then give each other time. He may not be able to wait, but that's kind of what true love is all about.
Best wishes to you both,
K.