tak

I don't know why I can't recover!!!!

I had anorexia restrictive since age 12, then over-exercised since age 15.

I'm now 23 and have been through two hospitalizations and res, totalling 2+ years inpatient.

I tried IOP after.

I don't know, i felt like I needed the behaviors. I don't know what I need.

I've had terrible panic. I've had obsession with treatment. I want my life back.

I don't know what I want. There are these lyrics written on one of my favorite CD bookslets, saying "I really did love life. I just wasn't too good at it." I feel like that describes how I feel.

I don't want to go through this, don't want any of it, but I do want to have my personality back and to be happy and love my family and have fun and feel excited again, not panicked or preoccupied or like a demon that counters my every move.

I purged for th first time last weekend. More than a decade of this disease, never purging, and now?

I don't want to look this way, I can barely gain the weight but then I fear my heart is damaged, fear things are damaged, I just don't feel the same, not even mentally.

Too many medications now since treatment...benzos and Zoloft...breathing probs after eating...some things didn't go away with the proper nutrition. I was in treatment for two years so on a good meal plan for most of that time straight. It didn't cure me and I don't know why.

I was so scared when I got out. I'm trying SO hard to be in school and get better and do the things I want to do with life. Instead I find myself just sabotaging over and over. Knowing I can't have real relationships. Afraid I look too sickly and afraid I need to LOSE weight in the same day. Knowing it's a lie.

I don't know what the point in purging is except that it's self-harm. I need to stop self-harming. I almost OD tonight. I was never like this. Please help I don't understand myself. I make my mom too sad. I don't want anyone to know.