Scared of losing a loved one
My Dad passed away in Aug after losing a 5-month battle to stroke barely 3 weeks after I got engaged. He first suffered a massive stroke in April that took away his ability to express (talk, write, type), to identify things (e.g. he would pick the remote control when we asked him to identify his watch), to swallow (he was fed through a nasal tube) and his ability to move his right limbs.
I was very close to Dad and he was really happy about my soon-to-come marriage, planning celebrations and making guest lists.
After the stroke, everything changed. I watched my Dad (my strength, my mentor) cry helplessly and get frustrated/ depressed. We nursed him back, by constantly being with him, caring for him, getting him daily physiotherapy sessions, talking to him, encouraging him to talk. His doctors told us that his recovery was amazing. He was able to say a few words, he could eat and swallow food and he had started walking and moving his right hand again.
All was going well till Dad suffered another stroke in Aug (massive bleeding in the brain). He slipped into coma and passed away 4 days later.
The most frustrating part about this was to watch a person you love so much deteriorate like this. He was a gregarious person who had lots of friends. He was into social work. He loved to joke with us. He always took us away for holidays. After he had the stroke, I have the most heart wrenching images of him in my head. Like when he managed a half smile (since his right side was affected). Or when he kept trying to tell me he was hungry and I couldn't understand till he got up, limped to the kitchen and picked a dry piece of bread. Or when he was hospitalized during his last few days, with so many tubes and bandages plastered to his face. I watched him pass away right in front of me.
And now, I obsess about keeping my family safe. I call my sister all the time. I worry about mom. I worry about my fiance (he lives in a different country presently). I freak out when they don't respond to my calls. I always fear the worst. I don't want to lose another loved one.
Can someone talk to me about this?