Re: Eminating Evil
I am sorry to hear that you fell. I know that you live in VA and when you mentioned you fell, it felt like an an event happening far off somewhere to someone, and not to the person I have been writing to. I have a hard time connecting you the person that I know to the everyday events that you must go through. Isn't that strange? Nevertheless, I am sorry you fell, but glad someone helped you. That must have felt nice - words of concern from a stranger.
I truly hope you are OK and not too bruised up. I don't remember the last time I fell. It's been a while. As a youngster/teenager I can imagine that I would be embarassed but a fall or a trip, but, now-a-days I would be more worried about the pain and the breaking/bruising bones.
I do imagine you as a very caring and sensitive person. I am sorry that you have experienced death in your life that left you so sad. I can certainly picture it and though the words you wrote about how your mom and cousin's death affected you, seem to come out now matter-of-factly, it must have been a devastating day-to-day drudgery before you finally found relief at Hospice. Sadness at death was a part of my earlier life as well. I can't even describe the pain it brought on. We are similar in this way. Now-a-days I am a different person.
You asked about playing cards...I am not really much of a game player. As a matter of fact, come to think of it, there is so little activity that I do that I have a hard time contributing anything to conversations (I have very little life experiences to share). My whole life has been trying to find a way to literally co-exist with people without causing anyone any discomfort at my presence. Admittedly, much of this must have been in my head. This may be my emotional delay showing itself, but a successful outing for me is when I don't notice anyone being unhappy to see me out and about. (Because today I am feeling good about myself, this whole description of my sad life sounds really melodramatic, but honestly, I have let life pass me by completely, in my quest to just exist without bothering other people).
So, to summarize....I don't do much and when I DO do something, I am paying full attention to how people are reacting to me, rather than the task at hand. At this moment it seems silly, but it has been my reality. I almost never have raised my hand in class outside of HS, nor almost ever spoke to anyone all throughout college, for example.
Back to the difficult subject that I wanted to talk to you about...I was going to talk about how intimidated I am of pretty women and how I am always in conflict with them due to my self-image issues. This is really tough for me to talk about because my appearance is a very sore topic. I am too concerned about how people look and how I relate that to the type of person they are. I acutally posted a question on the Relationships board of this forum about my current work troubles. It is called "A question to Pretty women" Can you read that post and share your advice?