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Old 10-13-2012, 08:19 PM   #8
seven2030three seven2030three is offline
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 13
seven2030three HB User
re: so alone and so sad

Quote:
Originally Posted by hopelessromance View Post
What a crazy situation. I had to read it a couple of times to even understand what you are saying. So someone was stalking you guys and they stopped but you flipped out and kept it going? Is that what I'm reading? At least someone replies to what you write. I wrote something before you and opeople read it but no one has any advice to give me. I went to the social services office today to see if they can help me with a lawyer and they said no. Wht would you do if you were me?

If I were you I would keep working on myself and if you really were sick then i can understand where your coming from. really do get how bad it is to have someone cheat on you. I did the same thing and i cant live with myself sometimes. if someone cheated on me i might go all crazy too. that still doesnt mean someone should hit you so you better not have laid a finger on your ex.

its friday night and im sad looking at messageboards. what kind of life is that? no one ever even responds.
I canít really talk about what happened. I want to but I donít want to make things worse.
The fact of the matter is that a lot of people think I did things that I didnít do. No, I was not perfect. Yes, I did do some stupid things. But itís nothing like most people think. I went into a police station one morning having not slept for three days and having taken over two dozen over the counter sleeping pills the night before. I needed to sleep so I took them. They werenít enough to get me to sleep because I was so worried. When the officer brought in a second investigator to interview me, I barely even remember talking to them. I canít honestly tell you that I remember most of our conversation. I confessed to things that I did not do. For instance, I got my hands on some facebook posts that were damning for some people and when they asked me where I got them, instead of telling them where, I just said I made it up. I figured at that point that I was already in deep trouble and there was no reason to throw anybody else under the bus. It would have just made things worse anyway. At that moment, I had given up. I figured Iíd just say whatever they wanted me to say and just quit. I honestly donít even remember being booked into jail. I was told weeks later that they took fingerprints and pictures of me for some criminal database. I donít remember any of it. I donít remember any of the first day.
However, I do remember the second day. When I woke up I asked the guard if I could talk to those officers. I told the guard that I said things that I didnít mean and should not have said. He told me it was best for me to just shut up, not say anything else, and wait until I got a lawyer. He said that anything I said would be used against me and it never ends well when you try to take things back after the fact. I didnít know what to do so I just shut up and sat there. Itís been dang near two months later and I still havenít told my fair side of the story to anyone. Not to any lawyer, not to my family, not to anyone. Iím afraid. Iím lost. Iím all alone.

The reality is that I am a damn good father and I was a good husband. My soon to be ex might call me crazy for saying that but I took care of her with every fiber of my being for nearly 18 years. I loved her despite the fact that I knew she didnít love me. I loved her despite the fact that I knew she had cheated on me. I stayed with her and still loved her even though I knew she was carrying somebody elses baby and I supported whatever decision she chose to make with that baby. But that choice cost me mentally and emotionallyÖcost me dearly. I lost myself. I donít remember much about the last six months. I know I did some stupid things that I will regret for the rest of my life but I didnít mean to hurt my wife and I certainly didnít mean to hurt my kids. I wish I could take it all back. I would sacrifice every bit of me if it meant the pain that I caused my family would go away.

Iím much better now. I took a battery of drugs that put me back in chemical balance and I see therapists and will likely be on a drug regimen for the rest of my life. Itís okay though because the fears, the pain, the loneliness that haunted me for the majority of my life isnít there anymore. I feel like I new man. The only thing missing is my family. I wish I could have them all back but I would be elated if I could just see my kids. I canít even drive down the street without seeing a restaurant we used to go to, a store we used to shop at, a memory that will never go away. I used to take them on mini-vacations. We didnít have a lot of money so we would take 1-2 day trips around our area. Weíd swim, weíd eat, weíd shop. 99 percent of the time I never bought anything for myselfÖbut I made damn sure that my wife and kids had everything they needed, everything they wanted.

Hell, when I got out of jail (I hate even typing that) my ex cleaned out my bank account, and our rent check had bounced and I had two pay-day loans that I had taken out so that we could afford all the kids school clothes and all of the things that my family needed. So the day I got out of jail I had negative $3,000 in my bank account. I found out that same day that I was suspended from my job and that I had nowhere to go. It was the lowest point of my life but something got me through.

Since then I have attempted to bounce back and done a decent job of it. Like I said, I got my job back. It was no joke to get it back. They did a detailed investigation. I wish the local cops paid Ĺ as much attention as the people at my job who did the investigation. The locals just wanted someone to blame and they wanted the case to be put to rest and I was an easy scapegoatÖafter all, I wasnít entirely innocent. Better to let me take the blame for all of it then to realize the truth of the situation. Iíve even continued to pay my families billsÖmost of them at least. They donít even know it but I paid the phones (for my kids), electric, water, cable, insurance. I was going to pay for my wifes car but I was told she did that. The only thing I couldnít pay was the rent (and food of course) because I didnít have enough money. It wasnít easy paying back $3,000 owed to the bank.

DangÖI look at what Iím writing and itís all just a rant. I feel a little better putting it down on paperÖat least I can do that since I canít talk to anybody about it. I miss my family. I canít say that enough. Sometimes I want to quitÖI want to just get up and move away. There are six jobs opening up in the next couple of months in Seattle that I can take that I will getÖI need to get these charges cleared upÖI donít need them dropped, just need to get them finished one way or the other. Since my ex will probably not even try to let me see my kids or give a second thought to the reality that maybe I didnít do what she thinks I didÖmaybe she should realize that I sacrificed a lot to love her. That I sacrified a lot for her for a long timeÖand that she just dumped me in a ditch when I was SICKÖwhen I needed her the most. She wonít though. She will hold the kids from me and hate me forever. Why should I stick around to be reminded of what I lost. I think Iíll just take the job in Seattle and try to move on with my life. Itís better than trying to hold on to something that will never happen, that will never be the same.
I wish I could tell the world the truth. I wish my family could see and understand the truth. I didnít do 99 percent of what Iím accused of and the stupid things I did do was during a time when I was sick. I am a damn good man, I know it. I wish others did as well.

 
The following user gives a hug of support to seven2030three:
writeleft (10-17-2012)