Re: does anybody read and respond on these boards
I can’t see them because I have a restraining order against me. I can’t even have family members call to check on them or I will get in trouble. So for the first time in close to two decades, I have no idea what my beloved family is doing. I legally can’t do anything about it. I was stupid to agree to the temporary restraining order. At the time I already had the proof of my medical condition, I had the proof that I was sterile (no sperm to make a baby) and I could show that when I admitted to what I did that I wasn’t in my right mind and I didn’t do anything nearly as bad as I was accused of. I should’ve fought the fight on that day for my children but instead I listened to everybody else and just went with what I was offered. Everybody told me that they had my best interest in their minds and that anything that I said would be used against me and even if I was telling the truth, nobody would believe me and nobody would care. All of my family called me and claimed they would be there. They all said that the time would fly by and that I had done all I could do for my family and I needed to just let it go and let what family I had left take care of me. The funny part is that none of these people have called me in over a month and the aunt that I’m living with, while she is a great person, it’s getting old. Her creepy boyfriend clearly doesn’t want me here. In the past month he probably hasn’t said more than four words to me…he is so strange. I wish I could leave right now but I don’t have anywhere else to go. I wasted money on a terrible lawyer who didn’t help me at all and encouraged me not to fight for my kids. Now I’m paying back the loan for her, still paying back the pay-day loans I took out for my family before all this started and paying off some other bills forcefully (don’t ask).
I felt pretty good this morning…I went to work for a little while and worked out at our gym and then decided to go to a movie. I had a free ticket and I used to love going to the movies. I pulled up and looked at the movies showing. The only things that would go through my mind was which movies my kids would want to go to and which kid I’d take to which movie…I miss having my daughter sit on my lap at the movies. I miss sitting on the couch with my family, eating dinner, and talking about our day…joking around. I ended up going “home” instead of going to a movie which isn’t really home but just a room I sleep in. I watched boring TV, took a couple of sleeping pills to help me take a nap, and wrote in an online journal kind of like I’m doing here.
So screw it, why shouldn’t I look for other jobs??? I called to see if I could see my kids every other day for over a month and nobody would help me. NOBODY!!! Clearly no one gives a crap if I see my kids or not and like my family said, I’ve done all I can already and I just need to let it all go. I realized something earlier…through this entire ordeal, I’m never going to get to tell my side of the story…the real side of the story. I can’t tell my ex…she wouldn’t believe me anyway. She thinks she knows everything because the local cops put it all on me…they really didn’t look any further, they just wanted to get this thing closed. I’ll never tell my kids…they have had enough stress to deal with and I learned my lesson about involving them. If I do get to see them my only goal would be to tell them how much I love them, support them, help them be good people. I’ll never tell them our story because it wouldn’t help them…only hurt them, and I don’t want them to hurt anymore. I won’t be able to tell it in court. If I ever get a lawyer I already know he will advice me not to testify and encourage me to take what ever deal they offer so we don’t go to court. I’ll end up getting screwed with the courts, screwed with my divorce, and my story will be lost for eternity. So why shouldn’t I start new?
I also came to another realization today…I realized that as much as I loved my wife for as long as I did…she never loved me. She needed me so she stayed because she felt like she had no choice. She never cared about my day, my life, or me at all. She wouldn’t care right now if she knew that I was actually sick and not an a-hole…she would just call me a liar and tell me how much she hates me. I don’t blame her. She has a right to feel anyway she wants and I should’ve realized the first time she cheated on me that she didn’t love me. I should’ve let her go then…let her be what she wanted to be. I thought that was what I was doing though. I encouraged her to be whatever she wanted to be for as long as I could. She jumped from job idea to job idea and I encouraged her every step of the way. Heck, before all heck broke loose a couple of months ago I was trying to get her a job with me. Why would I do that if I was doing all the things I was accused of??? Easy answer, I wouldn’t!!! Why would I stay even knowing that I wasn’t her babies father if I didn’t love her more than anything in the world? Well…I guess I stayed because I was chemically imbalanced, but also because she was the love of my life. My children were the loves of my life.
At this point I’m done trying. I’ll do what the courts tell me to do and I will move forward with my life. If that makes me a bad person then so be it. If you really knew my story, if you really knew my heart and my mind, you would know that I truly loved…I truly took care of them…I truly did the best I could even when I was sick. From this point on I’m going to be the best man I can for me. I’m not going to depend on a family that has never been there or anybody else. I am going to depend on myself because I am strong enough mentally to not let myself down again.