My first thread... PTSD??
Hello to anyone reading, i am very new so i apologies if I am too honest or upset anyone.. but please let me know if i do.
I am working on myself right now and im trying to figure out what I have or if i have anything or whats going on so i joined this site to help myself and hopefully learn something. I have been to counselling for around a year now.. but have really only been to six sessions since i began my 'recovery' i guess you call it. From October to May was the traumatic time in my life which caused my anxiety.. or as i am learning just brought back up my anxiety probably due to my parents separation.
I grew up with constant nose bleeds, spells of dizziness, hyperventilating and a noticeable change in personality from bossy no-it-all to super sensitive and meek. I have now understood that i have always had high levels of anxiety but i just didn't know what anxiety really was. i have come to believe that this anxiety was due to my parents separation.. but this happened when i was 4 and i cant remember really any of it.
Last year i got tangled and damaged in a friendship which destroyed me.. It was a girl and she was my best friend for years.. but i have now come to realize that she was always 'unstable' and she finally broke last year. She used me, emotionally blackmailed me and sexually took advantage of me on 4 occasions.. but it took me a while after it happened before i even realized it.
My point in somewhat explaining this is that i dont know if this qualifies as an event that would cause ptsd.. but thats what it seems like to me the more i read up on it.
I had many emotional break downs.. including a panic attack on a bus which i am not sure still if it was a panic attack but it seems to fit. i felt like the whole world was pouring down on me, i couldn't breath, i felt like the trees weren't real and thought that it would be easier not to live and that all of the emotions and feelings were just too much that i didnt think it was worth it. i was delusional, inconsolable and my head was throbbing from thinking. Now on a daily basis I have the feeling of something wrapped around my neck at all times, my insides are all shaking but you can only see it in my hands, through trying to stop the shaking i stiffen my muscles which causes back aches and neck pain, my head throb's alot when im trying to think at all, i freak out (on the inside) when family member touch me including my little cousins and my mom, i constantly have nots in my stomach and often feel the urge to puke. i have good days and bad.. but nearly always on the verge of tears.
My counselor didn't say that i had any disorder or mention ptsd or gad or anything she was just working on bringing down my levels of anxiety through breathing. which yes does make some difference but i can stick with it as the process is taking too long. i am now going to go to a college counselor after one session with her she said that i should try CBT which i think is a really good idea.. my problem now is that i don't know if i can wait out that process feeling like this. i cant concentrate i can t get out of bed.. i try to motivate myself everyday but i find the smallest tasks difficult and i dont even understand why. i dont know if my anxiety is freezing me, or its depression or what but i am finding extremely difficult to live a normal life which consist of going to college and maintaining relationships with my family and friends.
I need some sort of coping mechanisms that actually work as i am starting to consider medication or something because i am just fed up. I have been working on myself to get better for a long time now and i have to watch my EX friend walk around without a care in the world in college living a normal life while i am struggling and disappointing everyone around me.. including myself. i think i am having a bad day today so hopefully tomorrow wont be as bad and i wont sound as down.. but i just need something to make me want to keep working on this before i fall into my hole of self pity..
Apologies for the length and rant.. i just need some hopeful something that'll tell me it gets better and maybe some advice how to do it fast.
Any words will be much appreciated x
Last edited by MovingOntoo; 10-28-2012 at 02:56 PM.