Coming off oxy and depressed help!!!
This is my first time posting to one of these things, but I have read countless threads in the last couple years. I have seen some really positive recovery stories and support and I guess I am looking for something to help me get through this. I am 31 years old and addicted to pain meds, specifically oxycodone.
It all started about 3 years ago when a friend found a crooked dr. Well what started as one friend with one script quickly turned into 6 or 7 friends with multiple scripts. I was one of the last in my group of friends to get hooked but it happened. I remember when I would as my friend (who was breaking up an 80mg oc to snort) to break me out a bump. 10 or 15 mg’s is all I needed and I was flying for 8 to 10 hrs. Well it didn’t take but a couple months before I was doing 2 80 mg oc’s a day. I knew how addictive they were, and to be honest with you I have no idea how I got so deep. After about a year of use I wanted to make some changes. I tried and tried to kick alone (while my girlfriend unknownly slept next to me). Then one day I was fed up with the constant promises to myself that I knew I would break, once the aches and fatigue of morning set in. So I broke down and told my girlfriend how bad I had gotten.
That day I kicked cold turkey. It was the worst 7 days of my life. I had read the horror stories, but nothing prepares you for your first serious opiate withdrawl. I couldn’t eat, sleep, had no appetite, no energy, all the common symptoms (except restless leg syndrome, thank god!!). But I was clean!!!!!!!!! About 6 months to a year later I fell skateboarding (yes I am 31 years old) and did a number on my arm. I compound fractured both forearm bones and dislocated my elbow. After a couple dilaudid and fentanyl shots in emergency surgery I was back on.
My dr. said “in 30 years of being a orthopedic surgeon this is the worst arm break I have ever seen.” Which of course I used as leverage when I came time to write me some meds. I was on 20 mg oxycotin 3 times a day, and about 100 mg’s of oxycodone a day. But I was in some real pain. I knew I was playing with fire, but was powerless over the pills. Well my insurance made me switch dr’s and my new dr said “there is no way you should be on this much medication 4 months after a break” and cut me down to just vicodin. The dr didn’t have a worry about the withdrawls that would force me back to the street. So there I was dropping $100 to $150 a day to support my habit. After a about 2 months of street use I broke down and told my girl friend (again).
She helped me (again) and the withdrawls weren’t that bad. Don’t get me wrong they were still really bad, just about half what I experienced last time. So I was clean AGAIN…. This lasted about two months before my tempatation took over, and I ordered my vicoden filled (which I hadn’t done in over a month). I only took 10 and gave the rest to a friend, but those ten pills were enough to get me back in the cycle. Since then, for about 4 months my use had gradually increased from using once a week to taking one day off a week.
I know I don’t want to use anymore, and up until know always thought I was strong enough to quit on my own. Well on my third attempt I know I am not. It is the morning of day 3. I had long conversation with my girlfriend last night (day 2), and came clean again . She knew this time and wasn’t very surprised. But she loves me and is helping me again. I know I will spend the rest of my life making it up to her. I tried to hit my first NA meeting last night but of course it was cancelled (go figure). But I have promised myself that I will seek help. That Is why I am here. I am going to attent meetings regularly and have posted this blog. I have promised my girlfriend to open up to her and let her help also. But if anyone has any words of advise I am all ears. Every morning I wake up with one thing on my mind and spend the next hour or so fighting my demons.
Sorry this is so long, maybe I just needed to get it off my chest.