Trying suboxone detox with some trouble
So here I am. Sitting here with my thoughts trying to figure out what's wrong with me. Here's a summary of my situation. Since 2001, I have been on a 12 year run of heroin and methadone. It started really back in '95 when I first tried heroin. Like many, I fell in love. And like many, I began to hate what it was turning me into. After a couple of years of selling it, doing it, and committing crimes to keep going, I finally hit a wall and decided to stop so I could change my life. I wanted to go to college and have a fulfilling life. Back then, I didn't know what a withdrawel was or that I was even gonna have one so it came and went like nothing. With me going away to college and keeping my mind on that task, I was able to fill the void. Unfortunately, 5 years later, I began to get high again thinking that I could do it casually because it was so easy to stop last time. My habit grew and grew and when I tried to stop, I would just go right back. Then I tried to move away. I learned that heroin is everywhere! I decided to get on methadone for alittle bit and then come off after my mind was right. After 9 years of using methadone and heroin at the same time a lot, I realized that I had a huge problem on my hands. My heroin habit grew to 20 bags a day at its peak. Then I met a beautiful woman who changed my perspective on life and how I viewed myself. She made me feel that I was worth salvaging and that sobriety can be happiness for me. When she found out my plight, like so many other women before her, she considered just leaving me. But she didn't and she stayed and supported me and my methadone maintenance. My plan was to only use methadone and eventually taper down and off. But I didn't. That demon in my head kept me using even while I was with her. She found out once that I used and forgave me and said no more. 9 months later, I used again, she found the needles and that was it. We are not together anymore but I know the live we share is deep and real and if I was to get clean, that we could be together again. Even more, I have just reached a point if being tires of this lifestyle, tired of not being able to have what I want, tired of being able to be more in my career than I already am.
So I decided to go to a detox or rehab. But I have no insurance and not enough money to pay for it up front. So I stopped using methadone about 3 months ago and only have done heroin. However it's been a 12-16 bag a day habit since then. Now I have built up enough courage to do this and I also have my roomate who is quitting at the same time. I started off with 2 suboxone a day. The first 6 days I felt like shut and the cravings were immense. I still continued to use feeling like I was more addicted to the routine of getting it, cooking it, and putting it In the needle than I was to the high or the drug. After a week, the cravings fell off and I started to feel abut more normal on the subs. Even with this, I am still using. I can't seem to trust this drug to carry me a full day and let it do its thing. If I could do that, I think I will be on my way to properly recovering. But how can I stop myself at that moment? Is there something I can take? Also, I'm buying my subs off the street so I don't want to be on them long. What would be a proper way to come off the subs once I stop using on top of them? Please any help would be appreciated