the urge is almost unbearable
so I am here instead. I have tried journaling about, I have tried ice, drawing a line on it, I have tried reading, just about anything I could think of to distract me but I want to cut. I have been fighting the urge for a week now. I don't know why the urge is so strong tonight, maybe because i am so upset with myself of other self esteem destroying behavior this weekend maybe because the holidays are looming near and that means dysfunctional family gatherings, guilt and painful reminders I can't stand.
I want to cut so bad tonight but there are two things hovering on the fringes of my mind that so far have stopped me from proceeding one is absolute insanity and that is there is this microscopic chance that a guy I am so hung up on that sees me barely as a friend had hinted at a possible booty call tomorrow which is insanity and not good for my self esteem and yes if he called I would go but if I had cut I could never explain the cuts and the booty call would be a disaster that ended worse than it will if he calls and I don't have any cuts. the second thing stopping me from cutting is that I have a medical test scheduled tuesday morning for my gall bladder which has been bothering me for two weeks and if heaven forbid they decided that two weeks of constant pain from it was a reason to take it out I could never explain the cuts nor hid them from the outpatient surgery center. Scars are one thing fresh cuts another especially on a 40+ year old woman with a "respectible " position in the community. I can't have my dirty laundry getting aired
I just want to cut and there is no where to cut. It is times like this I wish I had developed other coping mechanisms but I haven't I am a basket case screaming in her mind about how my life feels out of control, how my new meds make me feel as though everything but the urge to cut is felt somehow on the periphery not as part of my real life
Sorry this is such a long rambling disaster I see my Pdoc on Tuesday and while I feel like the new med I am on had made a huge difference I feel as though the depression is stalking me, just hovering around the edges of my life waiting to strike and even worse, I question if my doc was right and I can't live with it if he was because bi-polar isn't a diagnosis for me it is a death sentence. It means the end to the future I want, It means the end period, If I have to look forward to a life filled with more downs like the past 9 months I won't survive this one let alone a future down cycle.