SHould I forgive him or leave him?
Last night, in middle of an argument about money (we went out with friends who didn't pay their fair share and he got very upset about it in front of everyone so I told him how much this upset me when we got home, saying it wasn't a big deal that they didn't pay and it escalated from there). I told him I don't trust him because he often says things that hurt me, and his response to me was, and I quote:
"If it wasn't for me your a-s-s would be out on the street."
I told him how dare he make me feel like a charity case, and I haven't wanted to hear anything he has to say since. I feel humiliated, like he thinks he controls me financially and that he truly thinks he's the one keeping me afloat. He does make more money than I do but we both work full time jobs and it's not like I don't make enough to support myself if it came down to it. It really, really hurt me that he would say this.
The thing is, this isn't the first time he has said something this hurtful. A year ago, he told me if I ever got pregnant that he would abort the baby (rather than stand by me and try to work out having a child and taking responsibility for it). The day before my friend's wedding he told me he could never see us getting married. Two weeks ago he told me that his step-dad thinks I'm high maintenance and that his friends think I expect too much from him. Last week he told me I'm nuts and to get the hell out of his life.
I feel like I am nuts. He always says he's sorry and wants me to stay and loves me and dreams of a future together and that he is sorry for the things he said, but I don't feel loved at all lately. I told him that if he wanted me to stay that he needed to get individual counseling but he got very defensive about that. I know he has a good heart but I feel like I'm bringing out the worst in him and for his sake I should leave (as well as for the sake of my feelings).
Part of me still does have very strong feelings for him and hopes that things can go back to how they were before he started being so hurtful, but I have lost all trust in him and am worried about what he might say next, and I can tell that this is affecting my ability to love him. I really, really miss that love and who he used to be and how loved and cherished he used to make me feel. He tells me that love is still there but it is very hard for me to believe him. I feel like if he works through these issues that make him lash out and attack me then maybe we could get back to that place, or am I just fooling myself? Should I forgive the things he's said? I feel like if we were in a healthy relationship and he still really, truly did love me then he never would have said any of those things to begin with.
For perspective, we've been together for 3 years, 9 months. We've been living together for a year and two months. We've been seeing couples counselors off and on for the past year, didn't really like the first two counselors, so we've been seeing the most recent counselor for the past three months.