Re: Thinking of leaving my husband... feeling sick, not sure what to do
"He tells me that I'm lucky that he doesn't treat me as badly as his friends treat their wives"
Itís really not okay for him to say that to you. This kind of hints at abusive behavior. His drinking sounds like it might be out of hand, too, if you say he is an ugly drunk.
"I hate myself, the way I look, act and feel."
I know exactly how you feel. I spent most of my life depressed like this; it is an agony no one could ever understand if they havenít been through it. Always remind yourself: you are doing the best you can.
It does sound like you have depression. With all the stress in your life, it is totally understandable. It is also hard when you feel like you donít have any support from your husband. There are some things that have helped me immensely, gave me way more strength to cope:
1. Omega-3 capsules. Has to be the good stuff, the cheapo brands donít work. And it has to be fish-derived, not algae. I took Omega-3 capsules for ages before I finally read an article from a Harvard professor telling how to select the right ones. I use GNC triple strength fish oil. Another the professor suggested was Costcoís Kirkland brand. You need at least 1000 mg per day; should automatically be about 60% EPA and 40% DHA.
2. EEG Neurofeedback. Best money I ever spent, ever. It has changed my life. It got rid of the daily low-grade headaches I always had and I know another person (who started treatment after she saw what it did for me) who is migraine-free for 9 months now. For me, it brought me out of depression, improved my ADHD, lessened anxiety, helped me be less anti-social. The best part is, it works after 1 session- you will have instant relief.
3. Whey protein. Try it for a day and youíll know if it will work for you. Drink 2-3 Atkins shakes and that should do it.
"why can't I be the person that they need me to be, AND give them the family that they need?"
Because you are only human. All you can do is your best, and youíre already doing that. Donít be so hard on yourself!
It sounds like your gut instinct is that you should leave your husband. You are right, it is detrimental to kids to have their parents fighting all the time. Since you do have kids, though, have you considered moving out and just separating from your husband? With less stress and him at a distance (and him understanding how serious you are), the answer may become crystal clear. Counseling would be best; then at least you can say you tried everything you could.
Above all, you have got to be more realistic with yourself. In your words, I can hear you blaming yourself for not being the person you think you should be. But you are discounting all the other things you ARE. You work at a job, then take care of your kids and your home with little help. If you are still standing, you are kicking ***! One tough chick, IMHO.