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Old 11-29-2012, 04:12 PM   #1
adiiee adiiee is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 2
adiiee HB User
lost... scared.. confused :-/

Hi everyone....
I'm new to this so bare with me :-)

I've always been a outgoing girl with no worries whatso ever! I had a normal childhood, raised just by my mother, as my father left me and my sister to be raised by my mother on her own.... Things started going down hill for me when I saw my nanna on her death bed when I was 17... After that I had what I didn't know as a panic attack just the next day in the middle of the supermarket... I avoided that place for years and never suffered another panic attack for a while... I fount out some really terrible things about my family which made me very depressed , made me wounder why why why!!! That's when it all started again at 19, I had a panic attack constanly for what felt like weeks I couldn't move out of bed my partner who I had just moved in with basically looked after me as though I was dying (I really thought I was on deaths door!) I was constantly at the doctors thinking that my heart had a blockage or it was enlarged because I was having palpitations... He put it down as stress and panic attacks!!! The next day I fount out me and my partner were expecting a baby and like that the panic attacks stopped for the whole 9 months I was pregnant and up until 3 months ago.. My son is now almost 2 and theese past 3 months have been a living nightmare... My partner is saying he's worried anout my sanity and basically so am I! I've self diagnosed myself with breast cancer, brain tumor, nose cancer, bone cancer, cervical cancer, skin cancer, I always think I have a blood clot in my leg, lymes disease, glucoma and diabetes.... Yup I'm a hypochondriac, I also suffer severe panic attacks and anxiety... It is completky ruining my life, my partner goes to work early in the morning and doesent get back till late afternoon so what makes things worse is the fact that I feel I'm ruining my sons life too... I'm petrified ( my worse fear ever) is that I die while I'm on my own with my son and no one finds me and something happends to him, and there's nothing I can do to help him. I'm too scared to leave the house as I think my heart will just stop, I have terrible mood swings and I'm just not me.... I don't like to go out with my girlfriends anymore as I think that if I panic I will embarrass myself, my partner is getting really anoyed with how I am as I'm constantly ringing him at work saying that he needs to come home as I'm going to die and my son will be on his own,,,, please I need some kind of guidance of what to do..... P.s I'm too scared to go the doctors, I haven't been since before I was pregnant, I'm scared they will tell me I've left the cancer to long to treat and I have weeks left to live!!! I feel trapped and alone and I just want my son to have his mummy back!! I want myself to be back I Just want a LIFE instead of just living!!!

Sorry if it makes no sense I just let out what I'm feeling, if someone reads this thanks you and any help would be much apreciated.

My heart is my biggest problem, I'm always checking my pulse and I think my left side is weaker than my right so atm I think my left side is leaking.... I'm sure this is not even possible, I'm panicking thinking about it now!

Is there a way out of this for me....

Xxx

Last edited by ms_mod; 11-29-2012 at 04:23 PM.