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Old 12-02-2012, 08:05 AM   #1
lilianloves lilianloves is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: North Carolina, US
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I love my mom -- should I tell her?

I'll start in the 7th grade year.
I used to burn myself often, not on a daily basis but often, my main reasoning being out of guilt and anger. I would feel angry at myself and guilty, because in my eyes, nothing I did was right and I messed up everything. I just couldn't stop being angry with myself.
So I would burn myself. But I would also cut myself whenever I had the chance, except I was more afraid to cut than to burn.
After a while though, I knew I had to tell my mom. I've always been close to my mom. But I was guilty.
I would start shaking at the simple thought of her disappointment once I actually told her..... It took me a long time to actually tell her, but I did. And she was disappointed.
But eventually she forgave me, and I stopped. I promised her I would never hurt myself again.

Now let's fast-forward to 9th grade, freshman year.
My mom has started up a business, so I hardly see her -- she works everyday, from early in the morning to late-ish, around 7 or 8, and sleeps when she gets home. That's how tiring her work is.
I really don't mind, except her weekends are very precious to her... So she's in a great mood then, and I never want to spoil it.
But the problem is, my guilt is back, and it's worse than ever. Everyday after school I feel as if I've failed, for whatever reason (it changes). I can always find a reason to blame myself about what has happened that day. And it seems all of my friends are leaving me -- I'm not sure if this is entirely true, but I do know I don't have as many close friends as I did in middle school.
And now I've began hurting myself again. I still burn, and do whatever I can to cause myself pain, although not on a daily basis, just whenever I'm very angry with myself.
Something I find myself thinking often is, "I have hurt so many people, and so many things are my fault. Hurting myself is discipline."
And that's what it's become or me -- a disciplinary measure, for all of those days I do things wrong. For all of the times I've become something or done something I promised I wouldn't. And it hurts, but I feel it's the right thing to do.

This was a long post, but my main problem here is telling my mom. I'm horrified. I know she cherishes her days off, and just the thought of me coming to her on her weekend when she's in a good mood, or after hours of working on her feet during the week, and complaining to her about my life struggles... It's despicable.
I even promised her I would never do it again, and I did. I broke a promise. I feel like she'll never trust me again if I tell her.
I must be doing something wrong. I can't control myself, I get so angry; but don't I have the right? I'm a pretty upsetting person. I hurt people, so I hurt myself. Is that really so wrong?

 
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