1 year after Lasik
Sorry for such a long post. I’m new here and had to get something off my chest. 1 year ago I had hoping it would change my life. And it did, but not for the better. To this day I still see halos and starburts at night and I constantly have to wear wraparound sunglasses when I go outside. I flood my eyes with eye drops in hope of relieving pain, and with each drop I feel sadder and sadder. I’m a very active person. I love hiking, biking, snorkeling, sky diving, running you name it. And it was a moment the day after thanksgiving that I felt anything but thankful. I went Black Friday shopping looking for a new bike, after testing out a few, I found myself desperately flooding my eyes with eye drops the moment I stopped riding. In all my years of biking, I had never had to do this, and that terrified me. It was then when I felt my spirits fall and I felt I had betrayed myself. Lasik has taken the joy out of things I love. I’m a very grateful man for much in my life, and for the most part have always felt that I should always put the needs of others before the wants of myself. I’ve been encouraged by my wife and those around me to finally do something for myself, so I decided to reward myself with the investment of good vision. I had put aside the money and decided to just go for it. It was supposed to be the one singular decision, the one singular transaction, the one completely selfish thing I would do for me. It was supposed to be the one time in my life I could say, “It was the best money I ever spent and was worth every penny.” Yet I sit here today happy to spend all that money just to have things they way they were before the surgery. In recent days I found myself obsessed with lasik horror stories, spending every free minute reading the blogs of others on how they are dealing with their post lasik outcomes, and looking at all the other options vision enhancement options that I never bothered to consider but wish I did. Mostly, my naked face was missing my glasses tremendously. I found myself playing the “what if” game constantly. What if I decided to spend that money on something else? What if I saw all those horrific lasik videos before the consultation, what if I talked about it more in depth with my family, what if I didn’t take this all so lightly, what if… what if… what if… what if I did just one of these things differently? Would I be in a different place today?
A year ago, I was filled with adventure and optimism. Now all I can do is wish I never wanted a more adventuresome life because I would have never had the courage to go through with it. There are days when I feel suffocated by guilt. I constantly ask myself is this what happens when I do something that I want vs need? Is this what happens when I become selfish? Truth of the matter is things would be different if I got into some horrible accident and lost my vision. But choosing to have lasik was an elective procedure. There was nothing wrong with me, it was something I chose. It was a means for me to get more out of my life, or so I thought. It was an investment to be free of the dependence of glasses not because of vanity or self esteem, in fact I honestly like the way I look in glasses and feel it was a big part of who I was. I want things to be the way they were a year ago. A little part of me feels like it dies when I lean back and put an eye drop in my eye. And I find it extremely difficult to look in the mirror now. I’m confined to humid rooms, and have to put eye drops in constantly. My eyes are very painful at times and I’m so sad that this eye dryness has taken everything I wanted out of life. It is my hope that I am still healing and this is all still temporary. Am I doomed to this way of life forever? Or has anyone triumphed over this after a year?