Depression, anxiety, racing thoughts
Where do I start? I was let go from my job of 10 years over a year ago. There was unethical and sleazy activity going on and I refused to play along...I was unemployed for 10 months...I tried to start my own business, it didn't go anywhere. I work in sales now--as I did before, but in a brand new field and I am still learning the ropes. I've been there five months. I've made a couple of rookie mistakes which has triggered a Pandora's box of bad memories of other failed jobs, wrong decisions I've made in my career, and a feeling of worthlessness that at age 50 I view as the new normal.
Today I lost my car key--which has unloaded other bad episodes. Such as the time I lost $10 when I was 10 years old--and my thoughts go back to my carelessness and the natural but unwelcome nervousness I've had my entire life.
On the positive side, people say I have a genial personality and folks tend to like me. But I keep feeling that I am viewed by others as a noble failure--nice guys finish last.
I don't drink--I quit eight years ago. I do consume a lot of coffee. I'm married with one child and not only am I beginning to feel like a burden, I believe that I'm going to be even more of a burden in the future--like a sack of potatoes in the trunk of a car. I used to take Lexapro and Xanax--I quit because I was feeling better, but also the medication left me feeling sluggish, which is not good for a salesperson. I would love to have each now, but I have no insurance and I can't afford the stuff anyway.
I used to run 10 miles a day--but I suffered from some nasty injuries for over two years--only now am I heeled. It's hard to get back in shape and more challenging to get going in the winter even when I'm not depressed. My physical health is good--as for my mental health--not good.
I have a near-photographic memory--which is a handicap with runaway thoughts. Sometimes I feel like I'm on a carousel populated not with horses but with every bad thing I've done or whatever circumstances have set me back.
My wife--who is out of the country now--is supportive, but she tells me to "Snap out of it." I only wish I could.
It's dinner time and I have no appetite. I have to go to work tomorrow but I'm more stressed out after a day off than if I had worked.
I have no idea what to do. I don't have any close friends and my mother is elderly and unable to help.