denial and poor memory in schizophrenia
i have been struggling with this illness for a long time, and struggling to accept it. when i am in bad shape, i am convinced that my delusions/hallucinations are real, and that everyone is like me and shares these experiences, they're just lying. when i'm doing well, i can't remember clearly the bad times and somehow have a sense of guilt. i feel like i made the whole thing up for attention, that i've always been healthy and i don't need my meds.
my loved ones console me and remind me of the bad times, not to dwell but just to learn from. my mom tells me "but wouldn't it be great if you really DID make it all up?" i think i have been holding onto this guilt because before i was diagnosed no one believed me about my symptoms. they just thought i had an overactive imagination and wanted to be special. i was truly suffering, but their words started to pierce my brain. i even have voices that tell me i don't have voices. how ironic is that?
i have talked to others with schizophrenia who feel similarly, and i'm just wondering if you guys have any experience with this? i feel my illness interferes with my memory, and it's almost like a response to trauma. my brain doesn't want me remembering these terrifying exepriences, so i block them out. i don't want to fully remember, but i don't want to forget either. i just want to accept it, and have been trying to for 7 years, but how do you accept being chronically ill, most likely for the rest of your life?