PTSD getting the better of me
This is my first post and hope I can get some relief and help here. I am a 52 year old woman who was diagnosed with abuse related PTSD in 2004. I suffered with anxiety and depression since childhood and more ailments were added over the years such as chronic insomnia, panic disorder, de personalization, flashbacks, nightmares etc.
It all started because I was abandoned at 4 months by my mother and so grew up with guardians who were abusive from the get go. There was physical, mental, emotional, sexual abuse from early and so I grew up a nervous child. At 18 in order to escape and feel a sense of belonging I entered a relationship with a man 7 years my senior. That was another phase. I endured 7 years of physical, mental and sexual abuse with him. I was even tortured at times. Throughout all this though I went to high school and completed college before age 22 and started teaching at a high school and did so for 14 years. However the symptoms were always there. At times I was convinced i was going crazy. Just when it ended with him I was raped by someone I knew and impregnated. I already had a child by the first abuser. I chose not to have an abortion and went through 9 months of hell and the same with post natal depression due to the way I conceived. I had a job and even though it was hard I was able to provide for this child.
The symptoms escalated and I had a nervous b/down at age 30 with the onset of panic disorder. I migrated and have been on every known SSRI and SNRI for depression which do not help. One psychiatrist said I am treatment resistant for the depression. I have had group and individual therapy which do not help. I don't want to see another therapist as I am tired of talking and not getting any help. Sometimes I wonder if I am to be blamed, if I relish being depressed and so I have become a recluse. I don't go anywhere. I don't socialize. I don't have any family except my 3 children and the 2 oldest who are not home do not keep in touch with me. That adds to my depression. Having migrated from the Caribbean I hate the cold dark winters where I live and the depression is worst during the winter months.
I am on disability( not long term) and so do not work now and that bothers me. I have been diagnosed with MS recently but not on any meds. I think they do not know what is really wrong as 1 neurologist said he did not know, another said it's transverse myelitis and the 3rd said it's MS. I am not worried about MS. I am just tired of the depression, being lonely, not having a family, feeling unloved, the nightmares and my thoughts. My last child will be starting university in the fall and I want to hang in there to be there for her but so far I am not doing a good job. My house is a mess and it usually is not but I am so depressed that I don't do anything.Then the mess gets to me. This is like a roller coaster. I wish there was a happy pill, a pill to take away all the pain.