Hi There Secret
Reading through your last post is like seeing your thought process unfold concerning your issues. Seems to me you are putting effort into getting really honest with yourself and truly facing the truths head on. What a great step towards truly healing! One of the greatest conclusions you have reached: "...it isn't fair to him if I don't be 100% honest if I'm asking him to be."
We can never expect honesty from others unless we practice it. It doesn't guarantee that the other person will always reciprocate, but it does leave us feeling good because we always know then that we have put our best forward. When we try to hide from our own truths is when we get into trouble with our lives... depression, addiction, loss of relationships, loss of other's belief in us as well as loss of our own belief in ourselves. However tough the truth may be, we face the fear of it and be truthful anyway.
Some of the truths I had to face as I came out of my drug haze was that I was, indeed, abusing the meds. I was the one causing the lop-sidedness in my relationship as Hubby had to take over all responsibilities of the home. I was afraid if being without the pills. I was deceitful to myself about my reasons for using. Half-truths to myself were a part of me too. The excuses I made were half-truths and until I got 100% truthful, I was not going to get better. What a freedom comes when we decide to lay all bare! " I'm always running so far away, until I forget where I was to begin with. I don't even know if that makes any sense."
That makes total sense to me! I used to worry about what I would do without being on the pills. I finally asked myself, "What are you afraid of? Doing laundry? Sweeping a floor? Talking to your friends and relatives? Eating a meal in a restaurant?" Once I had worked through my grief and loss with the Clinical Social Worker, nothing was left to hide from. These daily things of living were just that... daily things of living. When I was finally able to see that thruth, layers and layers of depression began to melt away. I began involving myself once again and rekindling family ties and relationships that I had let go lax.
Our lives begin again when we become totally honest. In all areas... I can say "No" now when I don't want to do something. I can let Hubby know if he has hurt my feelings instead of letting the feelings fester and grow. I try to spend some time every day in reflection of my actions. It feels so good not to be afraid anymore of Life. Living Life on Life's terms... come what may, I deal with it.
You will grow so much in yourself as you begin to realize the truths in your life. Reflect on the good things in you and rejoice in them. Reflect on the things in your life that are detrimental and work on changing them. Sometimes I think I did not really grow up until I was 55 and everything hit the fan for me. Oh, I was responsible in my obligations perhaps, but I think until we really learn to know ourselves, we have not really grown up. I have written this many times: the year I spent coming off the drugs and getting help with the social worker was the year of more learning for me than all the previous years combined.
Continue on your journey, Secret, to stop abusing drugs and to discover more about yourself to become a renewed and restored woman. We hope Hubby will walk alongside you doing the same, but regardles of what he chooses, claim the life you want to have.