Similarly to many others, I am normally a very laid back and friendly individual and very few people have a problem with me, I am well liked at College and get on with my life as much as I can, however ever since I was younger I would have random violent and aggressive episodes which were totally out of character and I'm now 18 years of age and if anything they have only gotten worse, the slightest thing can set me off, it takes very little for me to fly off the handle and I'm ashamed of my behaviour.
When I get angry, I always take it too far, in my actions and what I say, most of which I hardly remember, it just comes out of my mouth and my vision goes blurry and I feel sick shortly after, I recognise how irrational my actions are but in my head I feel like everyone is out to get me, that everyone hates me and is against me and I go into a state of self-defence and refuse to let anyone come near me, I stay like this from an hour up to days, I then spiral into a phase of self-hatred and the cycle continues.
It has recently gotten so bad that my family has chosen not to cross my path anymore, my mother and I used to have a wonderful relationship however she has grown tired with dealing with my episodes and has decided to stay out of my way, my younger brother is only 8 years of age and has often commented how he's frightened of me when I am angry. My older sister has also told me that she feels unsafe around me when I begin to get aggressive. So have my friends, I have lashed out at so many of them before now and they admitted their concerns a few days ago.
I'm scared I'm turning into a monster and I've tried everything to solve what's going on, counseling, meditation, music, reading, moving out, anger management however nothing has worked.
Does anyone have any advice as I am becoming somewhat desperate.