Childhood PTSD is Taking Over My Adult Life
I suppose writing this post is the first time I'm being honest with myself that I really need help. I've been through therapy and prescribed medication, but being somewhat in denial of my problem I would not follow through with my prescribed homework. I am now at the point where I feel like I cannot continue living because the pain is so great within. I don't know how to pull myself out. My marriage is basically broken and I have two kids that keep me going even though I don't want to anymore. My thoughts are so overpowering at night, I am afraid to sleep. I periodically have the same recurring dream where I wake up but my body is numb and I can't move which then causes me to scream in my sleep waking up whomever is around me.
Here is a bit of background about my being. I grew up as an only child to very young parents. My biological father left my mother before I was born. My mom refused to tell me anything about him even until this day. She married my stepdad when I was about 5 years old. My stepdad was in the military but was medically discharged for an injury. However with that being said, he ran our household like bootcamp. I suspect he has OCD as the chores I was given were barked at me and upon completion I literally went through a white glove inspection. If they weren't done according to specs, I would get verbal lashings and have to go through the cleaning process all over again to "do it right". Both he and my mom fought about everything, everyday about the silliest things is seems but they blew up. When that happened I felt like I was the one being crapped on because they were mad with the world. Their communication toward each other happened through me and it wasn't in the most pleasant of ways. They were suppose to divorce so many times but I can see myself crying so desperately for them to stay together as toxic as the whole environment was. As I got older, verbal abuse was a given by both parents toward me on any day and lasted forever although the physical abuse toward me pretty much subsided when I was 12 or 13. It was my mother who did the beating. My father mainly did the verbal stuff.
I was kicked out of the house at 17 because I brought home a D and lived with various relatives for about 10 months until graduation.
Fast forward to present day. I'm 40 but I feel like my mindset is 15 all over again. I thought I was over my past. I moved out, went to college, married my junior high boyfriend, and had two kids. About 4 years ago, my parents whom are still together unfortunately got entangled in a huge domestic. My mother called me at work and told me she was going to kill my dad, hung up and left me hysterical. I called my dad to tell him to leave the house, my mom is crazy and she's coming. He says my mom always overreacts and basically said not to worry. I kept pleading with him over the phone to leave and he wouldn't. My mom shows up and grabs a knife and attacks while I am on the phone. I hang up and call the police. Meanwhile I am now racing to their house to see what I can do to make this chaos stop. By the time I arrive my mom is arrested and taken into custody where I am now a witness and need to make a statement. It was that time my mind just snapped and I was never the same since. I got entangled in my parents' war once again but this time, I had the State making me their witness to lock my mother up. In the past I realized I was always in the middle of their wars and I always found a way to isolate myself but this time I had no choice to runaway. The State was going to hold me accountable for my testimony. Which side do I chose to protect? My Dad who verbally abused me? or my Mom who physically abused me and also through these flashbacks that started coming through, held a knife to my ear at 7 years old because I wasn't listening. If I chose neither, I could be in contempt. Who protects me?
Overall I feel helpless. My marriage is a whole new book. The communication is basically nonexistent in everything, financially and mentally because I don't know how to handle my inner demons without feeling pushed against the wall and threatened.
Last edited by Administrator; 02-28-2013 at 04:04 PM.