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Old 03-18-2013, 11:04 PM   #1
rickyabc123 rickyabc123 is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2013
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What should I do?

I am a 21 year old college student who normally leads a very happy and fulfilling life. I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder a few years ago and of course it bothers me but I have learned to deal with it and haven't had any problems for some time and I never took SSRIs, only xanex on a few occasions that I needed it.

However, the other day, for whatever reason I started thinking a lot about death and have just been terrified by it. The thought that one day I and everyone I love will cease to exist is so fearful that it may even be considered a phobia. At first I was extremely anxious, it made me feel very nauseous for several days and gave me other symptoms as well. The anxiety has gone away, at least for now, but I am still not "better" and I wonder if I am depressed.

I fear death more than I ever have before and the fact that I will die one day is so extreme that it almost doesn't feel real. It makes me think, if nothing matters, why should I care about anything in life? I'm just going to die one day anyway, regardless of how long I live. I have been having a really hard time feeling normal emotions and caring about literally anything. I have been trying to just go through the motions and keep my life normal but I just don't feel like myself at all. I see someone eating a certain food or playing a certain game and I am just like what is the difference in the long run? Before I loved these same things and enjoyed the little things in life and I need to go back to that. I have talked to the people that are closest to me but they have not been able to help me as much as I need.

My question is, will this feeling of emptiness and not caring go away when the depression goes away? Will I go back to the way I was before just enjoying life and not thinking so much about death and what matters? I have been exercising and trying to keep myself busy. All I honestly want is to go back to the way I was a few days ago and the thought that maybe I won't scares me to death. I feel like what is the point of trying to live a long life when I could die tomorrow or in 70 years and my memories will go away either way. It is also important to note that I have never believed in religion and don't think I will ever believe or disbelieve in god 100%.

Are these things symptoms of depression and will they go away? I am seeing my counselor next week but I just don't know how long I can deal with this. My fear is, now that I am thinking this way about death and everything, why am I going to wake up one day and not feel this way anymore? Has anyone dealt with this and know if it will get better (hopefully soon)?

 
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