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Old 05-04-2013, 09:35 AM   #1
timido timido is offline
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(female)
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Selangor, Malaysia
Posts: 5
timido HB User
Should i stay or leave?

I am 24 years old, married and have a 2 years old daughter. I am a victim of abuse. My childhood still causes me nightmares. My mother is a single mum with 2 daughters, my older sister and i. My father died when i was 12 and was divorced long time before that. My mother worked as a maid in many houses, leaving me alone with my sister who often trashed, bullied and beat me. She is 5 years older to me. She was hated by my mother and my relatives who favors me than her so she took it out on me. My mother did not look at it as a big issue because she thought we were still kids and we would grow out of it because sibling rivalry happens everywhere. I only realized that she really hated me when once we went to a trip to beach and i couldnt swim out of the water. I was looking and waving in her direction. I knew she noticed me but she just sat there quietly. Luckily my cousins saw n saved me. I was 10 years old then.

So many things happened through out my childhood and teenager years. She would somehow persuade my mother to not let me join any clubs in school or extra tuition class with the reason i will get too tired. Actually she just dont want me to do better than her. At school i was an above average student. I have wonderful friends who helped me go through this. When i was 15 she left for university far away. After that i was better. Since my mother worked from 8am to 12am, i dont see much of her except on the weekends which she chose to fill it with house chores. So i was extremely lonely because she doesnt allow me to meet my friends after school hours. This affected me too much as a teenager. I looked for love but for some reasons i can never maintain a relationship. Boys dumped me. I didnt understand then. I am beautiful and smart. But my confidence was non existent.

This continued up to my college years because i didnt give myself the respect and allowed others to take advantage of my mind and body. Also, i have been sexually assaulted many times by many different people due to be left alone at home with no guardian. And some of the molesters are family members. This had been happening since i was 6 years old. Nobody knows this except my husband.

By then my sister was back and starting to torture me again but this time tactically. She came to my hostel and threaten me to leave my then boyfriend and she made it sound like she really care for me until my hostelmates almost believe that i am selfish person and she is the responsible sister, and she told my hostel warden to keep an eye on me. I was 19! And the best thing is i was not even with any guy at the time. I was a big misunderstanding which she refuses to apologize until now. It took me a lot of time to bring my good name back. Aft that my mother began to change. She was thinking of retiring so when my sister started to work and bring back money my mother start treating me differently. She was uneducated and rough. She dont know how to talk to people. So she hurt me a lot by telling me that i was a burden. After i graduated it took me some time to look for a job. So since i wasnt bringing any money in, she stopped feeding me. My boyfriend now husband took care of me.

That was when i met my husband.I was 20 years old. He was 29 then. We met in a meditation center. Since i wasnt a good judge of character, and i needed to escape the whole family drama i agreed to marry him. He is a good guy. He knew what happened in my life and he stood up for whenever my sister says something stupid to me. Then i got married, after 4 mths i was pregnant and then i slowly realized what a stupid thing i have done.

My husband is a good guy. But he has even a worst baggage than mine.He has a bad aura that causes people around him to be uncomfortable. He is extremely nervous and quiet. When he talks he is extremely sarcastic. Whoever talks to him more than an hour will know that there something not right about him, not clinically proven though. I knew it too but i was desperate. He dont like my friends. He is a child trapped in a man body. He had no savings before got married. I stayed home for 1 and 1/2 year aft marriage. I went into depression. I couldnt deal with daily life things. I felt like i am a loser and the pressure of marriage didnt help. And with the baby on the way, it was unbearable. I dream of walking away, making a good life for myself. We fought constantly because we couldnt afford to pay the rent and bills. Whenever he makes a mistake he never apologize. He argues about it. He didnt even have proper job despite having a bachelors degree until i threaten to leave last june. He is dirty, so called free spirit by not cutting hair and shaving. He never bought me anything until i ask for it.

Then i got a job and things changed because i started to look for better things in life and as stupid as i can be, i had an affair. Really stupid of me. When i told my husband about it, he actully changed for better, he started treating me nicer. And he begged me to come back to him. So i ended the affair and as his business began to pick up a bit he requested me to stay home and take care of business. Which i am doing now and again the circle started and i am back to square one. Depressed. Wondering why i am a sore loser for living a life full of lies. I really want to leave but i am afraid this will affect my daughter. we both love a lot. She is the one who keeps us sane and still together. Also, i dont know how to survive on my own. I am so confused. Please help me.

Last edited by timido; 05-06-2013 at 10:04 AM.

 
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