This isn't going to be much help, but i had a really hard time when my son was diagnosed with autism, I couldn't sleep and i kept thinking I had to have done something wrong. I even went as far as to thinking if i left he might be better off. Thank goodness I didn't(but I came really close). I went to the doctor and got on a low dose of paxil for myself and it helped me look at things in a new way, and not lay awake at night blaming myself, I now know there is nothing I could have done, unless perhaps I had known more about vaccines.
But the paxil has helped me see things as not so hopeless, and I dont know, maybe that with some therapy would help. I wish you the best of luck and if you ever need to talk, I know you don't know me, but I am here if there is anything I can do.