I am new here although I've been reading the board for a bit now.
I started S/B in late July. Took my last opiate pain pill (10mgs hydro, in any form I could get them ~ at the end I was up to taking 200mgs in a single day) on a Friday around 7pm and started the S/B the next morning around 9am. I was sick from the taste of them (the whole letting them dissovle under the tongue thing ~ yuck!) and generally feeling bad all that Saturday and into Sunday, but by Monday I was functional enough to get back to the doc (psych/addictionologist) to check in. I also started Effexor at the same time as the S/B, fyi.
All was going well ~ everyday I was feeling better and better. I kept waiting for the bad "got no hydro blues" feelings to kick in but they never did. No cravings, obsessing, drag your face along the floor depression that goes with stopping an opiate/narcotic (I know you all know what I'm talking about! ) that I had experienced MANY MANY times before in all my attempts to get off those pills.
So one day during a "check-in" with the doc I expressed my worry that I would start feeling that old feeling soon, but he said the worst was over and when I left there that day I was flying high with the knowledge that I could get off those dang devil pills and not feel like I was dying while I did it!
So what happens next? Can you guess from the title of this post? You can take the drugs from the addict, but you cant take the addictive behaviors from him/her, ya know.
The addict in me started to think "If 2 little 8mg S/B's make me feel normal, what would more do?"
Just as this thought occured to me I had another check-in at the docs (this doc, not sure how others do it, will only give you a script for enough S/B to hold you until your next check-in until you are established with the med and in their practice) and was given a script for enough S/B at the current dose for a whole month
I took them, a little extra at a time first, then increasingly more and more in a day until they were all gone in a matter of 10 days
And you wanna know what is the most stupid, crazy, ignorant thing about this? I never, I repeat NEVER got high. I kept trying, but it would NOT work. But did that stop me? Oh, no ~ the addict in me just kept thinking "More, More, More ~ it is bound to get you high since it does have the magic stuff in it." STUPID STUPID STUPID!
And I knew exactly what I was taking and that it was made to NOT get a person high ~ just help them through getting off the devil pills.
Why did I do it? Just the addict in me? Am I really that DENSE? I must be, because I did it.
And how did I feel when they were all gone and what did I do? I am happy to say that I did NOT go out and score any hydro!!! Yeah, me!!!! I didnt feel "bad" until about 5 days without any S/B (I took my last few pills last Wednesday AM) and what started then was not w/d, but more of just that "blah-cant-motivate-myself-to-do-anything-AT-ALL" feeling that goes along with typical w/d. Does everyone know the feeling I mean? No normal, regular w/d ~ just the feeling that my body weighs 1000lbs and getting up to make lunch for my kids is just TOO MUCH to do.
What I am wondering now is what to do? Its about 13 days until I can get more S/B from the doc. The last script he gave me was meant to last until 9/18. I had a check-in appointment for this past Tuesday, but I skipped it because I just could NOT make it feeling the was I was and feeling so ashamed of myself for what I had done and didnt want to face the doc and his staff since they have been really good to me.
Also there seems to be some problem with my insurance company that I have been avoiding dealing with/figuring out. Its new insurance that just took effect 7/2 and they are requesting info on my past history I'm guessing in an attempt to dub this a "pre-exsisting" condition and not cover any of it
I know they have denied claims and maybe the office wont even see me because of it? I didnt call to let them know I wouldnt be there on Monday ~ just blew it off and hung my head.
Should I make the attempt to go in and fess up to them about what I did? I am SO AFRAID they will kick me off the S/B program! I feel pretty certain that I wont do it again cuz I really learned it wouldnt get me high and I miss the "normal" feeling I had while on the S/B. I think I am one of those people who messed up the chemistry in my brain and may need life-long med therapy for it, not sure.
My D/H does not know about my last hydro relapse that led me to this doc and S/B. He just thinks its a med to go along with the anti-depressant Effexor and if I can avoid fessing up to him I would LOVE it. He has been put thru plenty with me and my drug use/habit/addiction, that is for sure.
So, tough it out until the 18th or fess up to the doc? http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/confused.gif
Any and all opinions welcomed!
I know for certain that I need to deal with the insurance issue and I am willing to do that and LIE if needed to keep them from cutting me off of treatment for depression and addiction. Evil insurance companies!!!!!!!!!
Wow ~ this is long and if you got this far and still find time to reply, BLESS YOU!!!
Your friend in addiction ~
[This message has been edited by WannaBnormal (edited 09-05-2003).]