my ex was sexually abused as a child, and alot of the "issues" our relationship had (paranoia, her extreme mood swings, her controlling and violent tendancies) were "excused" by a psychiatrist due to what happened to her... now these "issues" rose gradually, they were not present from the start
so this new girl told me last night htat she was also abused as a child.
2 things... 1. is i t just coincidence or could i be acting as abeacon (something to do with how i act or whatever)
and 2... is it likely that this new person will show the same traits, or is it possible for someone to act healthily after something like that occured...
basically my instinct is to run, but that's not fair on her, just because my Ex was messed up
Well, I was abused as a child as well and Yes it is possible for a person to be act healthily after such abuse. However, it will depend greatly on where this person is at this given time in her life. Has she properly dealt with her abuse issues? Counseling? If not, then the chances are high that she will act out in SOME way. But not neccesarily in the same ways your ex did. Everyone is different. So since she has obvioulsy spoken with you already about her abuse, you should speak with her about whether or not she has had counseling for these issues. Some people (me included) go through many years of their lives thinking that they are 'fine' and 'not affected' by their past. It is easy to fool yourself into believing you've already dealt with things simply because you've managed to survive! It took me until just a couple years ago to get the help I needed. I was 28! So speak with her. See where she is at....that way if you DO decide that you can't handle it you will at least be able to walk away making an educated decision.
Good luck!
Also, THIS may sound harsh BUT......some women I have met who have abuse issues will use it as an excuse for bad behavior instead of trying to fix things. Beware of this. Past abuse is not an 'out' for bad behavior. If someone does something 'bad' and then says 'I am sorry, but I can't help it! It's because of my past! That's not MY fault!'.....then chances are, they either haven't properly dealt with things. Just my input from a few things I learned in my counseling!!
i understand that... i don't know if i want to ask... i mean it'll sound harsh, but due to the previous relationship (which i was under no delusions atht i could "saave her or whatever) but it did get to me and drain me a little... i don't know if i want to deal with it again.
Mada--you are not sounding harsh or selfish. I was also abused as a little girl and I try to never use it as an excuse to act differently than anyone else. Everyone has had their share of problems in life and we have to learn to rise above them. Just because your ex acted one way doesn't mean your new girlfriend will be anything like her. Just as in any other issue, people handle situations differently. I can certainly understand your feelings of not wanting to go through it all over again. You are probably an easy person to talk to, laid back, a good listener, and sympathetic, probably even nurturing. It's not that you "attract" this type of woman, but you're certainly more approachable than most people. Now that you know the warning signs, continue to be a good listener, be a support person, but don't let her problems become yours. Make sure she's reconciled with her issues before you make any serious committment. Good luck to you!
i talked about it tonight... i'm the only person apart from her and the attacker that knew this happened...
decisions decisions
Well, this really isnt all that unusual. Many people do not tell anyone if they are sexually abused. It just means she really trusts you. Give her a chance. This doesnt mean she is screwed up. If she starts acting crazy end it. It is not your job to fix anyone and besides you cant, she has to fix herself.
PS I dont think you attract sexually abused women, I think that there are just a lot of women out there that have been abused. Its a big problem that no one wants to talk about.
Well, this really isnt all that unusual. Many people do not tell anyone if they are sexually abused. It just means she really trusts you. Give her a chance. This doesnt mean she is screwed up. If she starts acting crazy end it. It is not your job to fix anyone and besides you cant, she has to fix herself.
PS I dont think you attract sexually abused women, I think that there are just a lot of women out there that have been abused. Its a big problem that no one wants to talk about.
i agree with this poster. I think a LOT of women have been sexually abused / molested at some point in their life.
And hey, even if you are a beacon, does that have to be such a bad thing? perhaps the fates draw the hurt to you for a reason. Maybe you're a good enough guy that you can help them trust in peopel again. Who knows?
Either way, nothing ventured nothing gained. Is she going to have issues? probably. So if your looking for a wham, bam thank you mam she's probably not the girl for you. but if you're looking for a caring relationship, i dont see why you wouldn't give this girl a shot.
If a serial killer worked as a postman that doesnt mean you wouldn't date some hot chic who worked at the post office does it?
Oh and last thing ill add. People who have gone through sever abuse and what not tend to be really messed BUT the ones who get their head sorted otu tend to end up being the most amazing, interesting, mature and caring people you'll ever meet.
you constantly worry if you are touching them wrong or right, you have to lie/ keep secrets from their family, then when they get confident in guys, they leave you...
it didn't take long... turns out i'm not the only guy she's seeing and it's messy as.
