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Old 08-21-2005, 05:06 AM   #1
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Was I abused...???

NOTE TO MODERATOR ~ please move if posted on the incorrect board.

I am currently undergoing some VERY extensive psychotherapy.

This is due to my long running mental health problems.

These are due to a considerable amount of physical, mental, emotional and financial problems which have accumulated over the last forty years.

ONE question keeps coming back ~ Was I abused as a child?

It would explain a VERY large part of my current presentation of my problems.

My current dilema is if I should consider some form of regression?

Although my decision to continue with my therapy has been a joint decision between My Psychotherapist ~ My Psychiatrist ~ My Wife AND myself, I am undecided as to taking this potentially fatal decision.

I am already having recuring suicidal feelings due to my reaction to the therapy. (nothing by way of action ~ only thoughts and feelings).

My therapy has opened a 'pandora's box' of emotions ~ mostly anger.

My MAJOR concern has always been for that of my Wife and our kids.

Advice, comments, suggestions welcome on the following,

IF you were abused (at least physically, possibly sexually)
How do you/did you find out?
How did you deal with it?
How has it changed you?
How has it changed your relationships?

Have you considered any form of regression?
How did it effect you?

Thanks ~ Hedge.
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Old 08-21-2005, 09:42 AM   #2
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Re: Was I abused...???

I was abused emotionally, mentally & sexually for three years..
I was 19 when it started and as naive as a 7 yr old.
I dealt very poorly with it to be honest. I was in denial, I was an enabler, I pushed it to the back of my mind.
It has changed me - forever. I am frigid, I cannot stand the smell of alcohol on anyone's breath & avoid places like bars & bonfires. I have a phobia about being "cornered" even if accidentally.
It has changed all my relationships. I am too passive. Men got upset because they can't "please" me. My marriage works because good ol' Mr. Ruth also has a low libido (Thank God for matches made in heaven!)

I was old enough that I can remember it if I push it up in my memory. I am sure that I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder to some degree. If I even suspected that I had been abused in my childhood I would probably strongly consider the regression. The suicidal thoughts would be there BECAUSE the memories were submerged - just not deep enough anymore. If the memories are brought out it would be rough for awhile until it's all sorted out -
but at least you would KNOW what you are - or are not - dealing with.

I know this really didn't address the concept of buried memories that you are asking about. But abuse is so much more common than you know because people don't talk about it. Thought you'd like to know there's someone else standing shoulder to shoulder with you on this one.

Ruth

 
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Old 08-21-2005, 12:02 PM   #3
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Re: Was I abused...???

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth6:11

If the memories are brought out it would be rough for awhile until it's all sorted out - but at least you would KNOW what you are - or are not - dealing with.


Ruth
That's EXACTLY where I (or collectively, we the family) are at.

Oh, believe me, it IS rough, i'm currently, (barely) existing in my own personal living nightmare.
I know perseverence is the right thing to do in the long term.
But it's finding the strength to keep going from one visit to the next.
If I'm honest, which I am, I'm not even close to coping with the therapy. Especially now.

What would life be like if I discover my past is even worse...???

Thanks for being here Ruth.

Hedge ~ (42 and a mess)
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Last edited by Hedgehog No 1; 08-21-2005 at 12:03 PM.

 
Old 08-21-2005, 06:10 PM   #4
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Re: Was I abused...???

I'd say continue with the therapy, but if you're not sure that you've been abused drop the idea - the memories will come back on their own if they're there.

Anger, and a whole host of other emotions, are totally natural to be experienced during and because of intensive therapy, irrepspective of whether or not you've been abused. Very often people have feelings that they'v unconsciously repressed themselves, and which seem frightening when they return. Others feel angry at themselves for their illnesses. Don't worry about it.

I'm no expert, but I don't think you should be frightnened of the therapy.

 
Old 08-22-2005, 04:40 PM   #5
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Re: Was I abused...???

Don't thank me for being here Hedge.
The truth is that sometimes I have nowhere else to go. This place not only helps me with my problems but it helps me feel better if I may even remotely help someone.

Please re-think fearing discovering that your past is worse.
The past is who we are. If you are not happy now (and it sure sounds like life has become pretty unbearable) the odds are good that the only thing that revising your past can do it make it better today. At least more understandable.
It's hell to know that something is wrong and NOT know what the hell it is.
I had that until I was 30. Finally found out I had Bipolar Disorder. No one was more thrilled to have a Mental Illness than me!!!

Hang in there - I'm here (my other home) if you decide to do the regression and if you choose not to. I do understand that it sounds scary. But it might actually be like putting the jigsaw puzzle pieces in and having them FIT for a change.
Ruth

Last edited by Ruth6:11; 08-22-2005 at 04:40 PM.

 
Old 08-23-2005, 08:09 AM   #6
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Re: Was I abused...???

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bin_man
I'd say continue with the therapy,
but if you're not sure that you've been abused drop the idea
- the memories will come back on their own if they're there.

Anger, and a whole host of other emotions, are totally natural to be experienced during and because of intensive therapy.
Don't worry about it.

I'm no expert, but I don't think you should be frightnened of the therapy.
Thanks for replying, I appreciate it.
I will continue with the therapy.
I always resisted the temptation to jump straight to the
"I was abused as a child" situation to provide an answer for my problems.
(even though it does provide an answer that fits...!!!)
The most I have ever done is accept it as a 'possability'.
I do agree with what you said about letting the memories come back ~ on their own.
The occasions when people have been 'persuaded'
(whilst under hypnotherapy)
that certain 'incidents' occured is way too many. (in my opinion).

My concern regarding the release of my anger is due to my former profession.
I am ex-forces.
When I got angry ~ it got messy...
Worried it might happen again...(despite reassurances from Health Team...!!!)

By the way, you ARE an expert.
In YOUR experiences.

Many thanks.

Hedge ~
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Old 08-23-2005, 09:51 AM   #7
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Re: Was I abused...???

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth6:11

The truth is that sometimes I have nowhere else to go.
This place not only helps me with my problems but it helps me feel better if I may even remotely help someone.

Please re-think fearing discovering that your past is worse.

It's hell to know that something is wrong and NOT know what the hell it is.

Hang in there - I'm here.
I do understand that it sounds scary.
But it might actually be like putting the jigsaw puzzle pieces in and having them FIT for a change.

Ruth
I'm VERY grateful you come here.
Your help may be 'remote', but is a LOT more than you can imagine.
I admit I am worried that whatever is in my past is WORSE than anything I've experienced, so far.
I think I've ALWAYS known that there was SOMETHING wrong, just never knew what it was.
I know YOU will be here for me, you always are (even if it takes a while to get hold of you).
The jigsaw puzzle idea is 'spot on' ~ time to make them fit.

Hedge ~
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Old 08-23-2005, 10:43 AM   #8
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Re: Was I abused...???

UPDATE

I've had my weekly appointment with my Psychotherapist earlier today.

We discussed in some detail, my thoughts concerning 'hypnotherapy'
in an attempt to move forward my 'psychotherapy'.

The result is I will pause my current treatment from today.

I start hypnotherapy next week with a therapist who has worked with MY therapist before.
She expects two or three sessions should be sufficient.
Then I return to my regular therapist to continue my treatment.

I actually feel positive.
I feel like I am finally going to get some answers.
I definately feel like it's the right thing to do.

Thanks for the support ~ hedge ~ (back smiling again...!!!)
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Old 08-23-2005, 05:59 PM   #9
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Re: Was I abused...???

That's one small step for a porcupine,
One giant leap for a Hedgehog......

Wonderful! Just knowing may be like the most awesome spring thunderstorm you could ever imagine. Know how it feels after it has passed?
I'm really optimistic for you - it would honestly explain alot of your symptoms over the years even if one can only wish it had never happened if it did.

You made my day (which was long and fraught with upset people) today.
So for that, you must once again ask that wonderful significant other in your life to give you a MamaRuth hug from me!

 
Old 08-29-2005, 07:37 AM   #10
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Re: Was I abused...???

There is a form of therapy called GERD** (?) for post-traumatic stress disorder. I've considered it, but have been feeling better lately.

I know something bad happened when I was a kid (around 5?); I just don't remember what. I was a happy kid until that age. I don't know if I was abused, or if the family disease (depression) just kicked in around then, or if I developed some subclinical health problem that nobody understood. The rest of my childhood I remember - screaming, yelling, name-calling, etc.

I don't feel the need to know what happened. Just knowing it happened is enough for ME. Therapy is supposed to make you feel healthy, whole, in control, in charge of your life. I don't believe you necessarily have to remember everything - just find your own way of feeling well. That's just my humble opinion. Good luck to you.

**GERD is gastro-esophagal reflux disease - I just saw it on this board. So that's not the name for it. But it's specifically for post-traumatic symptoms and I will try to find out the REAL name. Give me a few days. It's supposed to be very effective - only takes a few months.

Last edited by kerry1; 08-29-2005 at 07:50 AM.

 
Old 08-29-2005, 08:44 PM   #11
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Re: Was I abused...???

I was emotionally and verbally abused as a child. My ex-therapist also thought that I may have been sexually abused. Some of the stuff I told my sister that I won't do/afraid of/doesn't feel right made her ask me if I was every sexually abused. I don't know. I can't remember anything that happened to me like before I was 15 years old. Everything is just blank. I've always been told that the memories will come back but it's been 4 years and nothing. I guess I'll just have to live without knowing what makes me do the things I do.

 
Old 09-03-2005, 04:43 PM   #12
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Unhappy Re: Was I abused...???

I am currently working a lot with my therapist on something similar. Recently I have started dissociating... like there are people in me that I "become", with names and character traits... it sounds a lot like DID/MPD. It's very scary. I start referring to myself as a "we"/"us" automatically when it gets really bad... it tends to get better and worse. It seems to be at its worst when I feel anxious or guilty.
Verbal abuse is already mostly confirmed, as it was all mostly within the past 4 years (I'm 18 now). My memory of scary things is terrible now. And any time I interact with my dad, I don't remember the details later. Sometimes I don't even remember that I saw him unless someone reminds me. This is all even if the interaction is harmless...
My therapist is being cautious, because we don't want to falsely accuse anybody. I don't either. Personally I don't think there was anything physical/sexual. But I don't know... we're still trying to work things out. Meanwhile, it gets scary sometimes.
Kristina
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Old 09-07-2005, 04:40 AM   #13
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Re: Was I abused...???

Quote:
Originally Posted by *music23*
I am currently working a lot with my therapist on something similar.
Verbal abuse is already mostly confirmed, as it was all mostly within the past 4 years (I'm 18 now).
My memory of scary things is terrible now.
My therapist is being cautious, because we don't want to falsely accuse anybody. I don't either.
Personally I don't think there was anything physical/sexual. But I don't know... we're still trying to work things out. Meanwhile, it gets scary sometimes.
Kristina
Hey Kristina,

Thanks for the post.

I understand what you are saying.

My strongest suggestion is to keep going with it, but don't rush it.

Keep in touch, Hedge ~
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Old 09-07-2005, 05:19 AM   #14
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Re: Was I abused...???

NOTE TO MODERATOR:

If ANY of the information contained infringes on the 'posting rules' please edit.
I have deliberately been as restrictive in the detail as I can be.

UPDATE:

I have participated in two hypno sessions. (so far).

SESSION ONE.

Last Tuesday (30th). It was basically an introduction to my therapist and an introduction to how the hypno would work. It only lasted just over thirty minutes, but both my therapist and I thought it went very well.
It seems I am the type of person who can work well with this therapy.

Two days AFTER this session, I had a remarkable evening.

I spent the ENTIRE night dreaming about my childhood (pre 5 years old).
The images I was seeing was EXACTLY like watching an old fashioned 'slide show' on a projector screen ~ but at a fast forward speed.
I could recognise the images ~ but not enough to see what they were.
(very much like subliminal advertising).

HOWEVER.

I did start to have a recurring image relating to a specific room in the old house where I lived (up to being 4 years old).

It was my parents room.
There was something about the wall above the bed.
There was something happening ON the bed.
I thought I was stood at the side of the bed looking.

That was ALL I could remember.

SESSION TWO.

Yesterday (6th).

After an hour long session, I made some amazing progress.

I was told BEFORE I started my sessions, that I would automatically know what it was that was causing my current problems.
I was told it would be so clear to me that I would quite literally say,
"That's it..."
"That's what is causing all this..."

Yesterday, I discovered mine.

The mental picture I had been seeing all week became considerably clearer.

It WAS in my parents bedroom.
SOMETHING happened ON the bed.
INITIALLY, I thought it was my mother, kneeling forwards and somebody else (not clear if it was my father, or not), having sex.
THEN,
The picture changed to ME being on the bed, kneeling forwards, facing the wall.
(looking directly at something?)
I now remember looking at a small clock. Fixed to the wall.
I also remember looking at it telling the time on three occasions. (4,8 and 12)
BUT,
I don't remember if I was alone or not. NOT YET.

SESSION THREE.
Booked for next Tuesday. 90 minute session.
My therapist thinks with the extra time we might be able to discover what we need to.

NOTE:
I have a HUGE amount of detail to help verify this.
I am deliberately refraining from being detailed.
I do not want to upset or offend ANYBODY.
I am only trying to inform others who might be in a similar situation, (past or present) as to MY experiences with this type of therapy.

After nearly forty years of mental torture, it now appears that I might just find the cause and then be able to start to deal with it so I can move on with my life.

Additionally, I had a drive home from the session (90 mins) on mostly open roads and I felt FANTASTIC...

THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE.

Hedge ~ (still here)
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Last edited by Hedgehog No 1; 09-07-2005 at 05:21 AM.

 
Old 09-07-2005, 05:04 PM   #15
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Re: Was I abused...???

Hedge, I have already stood up and yelled "Yes, Yes, Yes!!" and run around the house twice at breakneck speed.
But I am still elated!!
Too much for words - so now I'm off to jump up and down about a kazillion times.......

 
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